A Disappearing Act

For the last year - well, longer than a year - I have been slipping away. I have had fewer playdates/coffee dates. I've texted more than called. I've pictures or updates, but haven't been there for those pictures, or events, or updates. I thought a big part of that was the baby, and maybe it is/was. Either a nap routine, or screamy infant, or just the thought of loading an unhappy baby into a carseat and going anywhere, kept me at home more. I also thought it could be that some of the people who I wished to hang out with, reconnect with, started back to work or got busy or moved. So I sat at home, trapped under the weight of a baby who wouldn't sleep or eat well, under the weight of practically being a single mother, under the weight of not having a regular sitter or family around that can help take a little of the pressure off me. I felt myself starting to disappear. This girl woman who I had barely started to get to know, before the arrival of the JiggleyBaby, was slipping away. Her goals, her dreams, her ideas, not mattering under the pile of laundry and pumped breastmilk and missed phone calls.
I don't want to disappear anymore. I want to be a friend and a woman and a photographer and a writer AND a mommy AND a housewife. I can be all. I need to start taking care of ME. I need ME to become a priority again. I have amazing ideas swirling around my brain - it's time to try to make those ideas come alive. I am a great friend - it's time to spread my love around a bit. I have vision and imagination and drive... I can do anything. It's time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up - and I'm not talking about a career. I mean, it's time to figure out who I want to stand next to me in my life. Who I want to celebrate my successes with and who will mourn my failed attempts with me. It's time to see what I want to devote my extra time to, because there really isn't a whole lot of it - so whatever it is, needs to be AWESOME. It's time to love the person I am, embrace the inner me and find out what she loves in this world. It's time to stop disappearing.

The Non-Sleep, Sleep Study by JiggleyBaby

I feel like I've been a part of a year long experiment that studies just how bat-shit crazy a mom can get on very little sleep.
In the last year, apart from 3 nights I spent on the basement couch with a pillow over my head, I have had on average 4-6 hours of interrupted sleep a night. The effects of sleep deprivation are many. On top of feeling like a big bag of garbage most of the time;

• I've lost friends/support because either they are tired of hearing about me being tired, because I don't have the time+energy to properly maintain the friendship and it dulls over time, or simply because I've hermited myself away and am no longer interesting enough to go looking for.
• I've aged... a lot. My skin is losing elasticity, my hair is falling out, and I'm finding more and more fine wrinkles around my eyes. Not to mention the saggy boobs that comes with nursing 2 boys and a total of 31 months and counting.
• I can't think things through clearly, especially when it comes to JiggleyBaby and his sleep. I can't reason out how to make things better for him, and in return me.
• I've not only been unable to shed most of my pregnancy weight, but I've gained weight. The body is in an almost constant fight or flight response, so goes into lock down mode, by holding onto everything you put into it - no matter how much you eat or how much you work out.
• I have trouble concentrating on just about anything - which explains my lack of blogging.
• My short term memory has become like a sieve and if I don't write something down I'll likely forget.
• I'm sick, almost all of the time. Whether it's the sniffles or a headache or a full blown man-cold, my body is too run down to properly fight illness off, so it seems that anything that is going around I catch. I'm coming down with my 3rd cold in less than 2 months.
• My patients is at an all time low and I'm quicker to anger than I wish to be.
• I'm depressed and overwhelmed. My anxiety about things like driving and new situations is back (not to the extreme as it has been in the past) but there non-the-less.
• I feel like a shitty person. Shitty mom for only giving minimal effort some days to the kids. Shitty partner for sometimes missing my hubby, who is only home 1 week a month, only because I don't want to deal with any more of the responsibilities of child rearing and household crap on my own. Shitty friend for not calling or visiting more. Shitty.

So yeah... a year long experiment on the effects of not sleeping while being a mom and carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. I'm ready to be done now.

Anyone out there have any advice on the topic of sleep? Any kind words of wisdom that can help me get through this?

Here's links to the rest of our sleep training journey incase you missed it:
What started it all --> The No-Sleep, Sleep Study by JiggleyBaby
Our Method --> Our Sleep Training Method
Day 1 --> Operation; No More Boob to Bed (day1)
Day 2 --> Operation; No More Boob to Bed (day2)
Day 3 +4 --> Operation; No More Boob to Bed (day3+4)
Day 5, 6 + 7 --> coming soon
Sleep Training Update -- coming soon

8765

1 year
12 months
52 weeks
365 days
8765 hours
525,949 minutes

That's how long it takes for a squealing ball of flesh to become a little boy.

A year ago I lazily got out of bed, checked my thawing turkey and sat on the couch to cuddle my big boy. I felt like Thanksgiving supper was the first meal I was really looking forward to, since I had all day, all trimesters morning sickness. My mouth was watering for turkey and mashed potatoes and all the fixings. Shawn was making a lemon meringue pie and I could barely wait to taste it.
Then my water broke.
All through my short labour (and delivery) I complained that I was missing my turkey dinner. And, looking back, Sawyer interrupting my dinner plans, should have been a sign of the kind of boy he'd become. He has had his own plans, right from the beginning.

He marches to his own drum, my boy. He is sweet and silly. He's tender and cuddly. He's got a bit of a jealous side to him, that comes with being a second child. He is curious; already pointing and asking "dat?". He is stubborn; he gets that from his daddy. When he smiles, it lights up the world. When he's upset and frustrated (and especially when he's overtired) he's got a scream that can make your ears bleed. He gets concerned when he hears another baby cry, and he loves the sound of another baby laughing. His absolute favorite thing in the world is balloons, which he can spot from an incredible distance. When he's done eating, he throws his food on the floor... while looking me right.in.the.eye. And he saves his best kisses for his big brother, who he thinks is the coolest kid ever.
I'm not sure exactly how we went from this tiny little lump of baby to this little toddling boy. I wish I could pinpoint which week or day he suddenly transitioned into this little person with a personality all his own.

Happy Birthday Binky!! We love you so sooooo much!

Sleepless Nights

As my sons first birthday approaches, I feel this insane amount of pressure to get him sleeping through the night. Part of it is that I know he is old enough, and developmentally ready enough, to handle sleeping for longer than 4 hours at a time. Part of it is jealousy of the other babies we know, in and around the same age as JiggleyBaby, who are sleeping soundly (many of whom seem to have been sleeping well through the night for quite some time). Part is a little outside pressure from family and/or friends. And a big part is that I am so.freaking.tired. I'm not really sure how long I can function in this sleep deprivation.
For the longest time, JiggleyBaby's 'normal' sleep routine was; bed by 7:30, wake up and nurse at 3ish am, wake/nurse anywhere between 5 and 6:30 (IF it was before 6:15, I could usually get him to snooze for another 45 minutes to an hour). But for the last 2 weeks, he hasn't gone for longer than 2 hours at a stretch, and then needing usually 20-40 minutes of rocking/nursing/snuggling/shushing/bum patting before he's back to sleep. And because it's really only ever been ME to take care of bedtime, he loses his noodle if DaddyMan so much as breathes outside his bedroom door.
I've gotten all sorts of helpful (and not so helpful) advice; just let him cry, do a pick up/put down technique, modified crying it out, pacifiers and no pacifiers, self soothing and parental soothing and and and. I'm overwhelmed. Last night for over an hour I tried to do everything BUT nurse him back to sleep and he screamed bloody murder, waking DaddyMan and JiggleyBoy. And how, you might ask, did he finally go to sleep? Nursing. While I was quietly sobbing, so as not to disturb his precious balance of twilight snacking. Then, after the 3 stage process of getting him out of my arms and into his crib, I tiptoed back to my own bed to sob into my pillow.
I feel like such a failure. And why, exactly? Because my baby isn't sleeping - which could be for any number of reasons, one of them likely isn't me. I can't get him to fall asleep on his own, but I can't let him cry himself out, but I can't just let him comfort suck, but I can't... ACK! Why have I put so much pressure on myself?!?
ENOUGH!
Tonight, when my baby wakes up crying out for me, I'm going nurse him back to sleep. I'm going to slowly rock him (even though my chair has a squeak that makes my left eye twitch). Tomorrow I'm going to check his mouth for new teeth, watch for signs of an ear infection, give him some pear juice to make sure he poops, go for a walk in the fresh air, and keep his bedtime routine predictable. And if, when, he wakes up tomorrow night, I'm going to slowly rock him and nurse him back to sleep. And that's ok, right?

Stop The Mommy Judgement!

I had myself a little rant this morning. A fellow mum posted on my local facebook buy/sell/swap group, about the apparent dangers of a well known baby teething tablet. The post (which was a share of a share of a copied photo) said that these tablets were taken off the market due to blah blah blah. It was pointed out to her, that although the company did have a VOLUNTARY recall a few years back, they were back on the market and thought to be safe. She continued to say things like "well *I* wouldn't want to put MY child at risk" and "I don't know why anyone would want to take the chance". Then I posted about what the recall was about, the associated risks and how the company has changed to combat the risks, I even posted a link to the snopes article. *sigh*
I completely understand the wanting to share safety information with my peers, especially when it comes to our children. I get that. What I don't get, is why people feel like they need to put fear and doubt into mum's thoughts. HELLO?! We already fear for our children's safety every moment of every day! We already doubt ourselves and question the choices we make. Why do mums have to be so judgey of each other?? Ok, so you want to share information that you believe is helpful - do your research, don't just post willy-nilly. You have no.idea. how many mum's are using those tablets and now you're putting them in a panic thinking that they are giving their babies something that will give them seizures and brain bleeds. It's unwarranted. UGH! It happens everywhere.
See that mum pushing her stroller and having a smoke? Well she *might* be a negligent mum who doesn't care about the health of her baby.... OR maybe she's all alone, all the time, with only that baby. Maybe her getting outside for that one walk around the block and a cigarette is the only 'me' time she gets, because she doesn't have a choice. Don't judge her.
See that mum buying junk food in the grocery store? Ok, maybe she's not teaching her children proper nutrition and eating habits... OR maybe her kids have been eating all their carrots and broccoli without complaint for a month straight and as a reward she's letting them pig out on junk. OR maybe they're having a party. OR maybe a bag of chips actually goes stale in their house because they eat it like a treat in such small quantities. Don't judge her.
See that mum on her phone? Looks like she's ignoring her kids, right? OR maybe she's engaged with them all freaking day long and while they play she's checking her email. OR maybe she's a work from home mom, who is actually working at the park. OR maybe she's bored of the eighty million conversations about dinosaurs and space ships and she's checked out, just for a few minutes... Don't judge her.
See that mum with the bottle of formula? Or the disposable diapers? Or the one carrying her large toddler? Or the one crying in the dairy isle? Or the one using nursing her 2 year old? Or the one eating a cheeseburger? You see that skinny mum, that fat mum, that fit mum, that old mum, that impossibly young mum? Don't judge her. You don't know why she makes the choices she does. You don't know her story, nor can you see how the path on her journey is laid out. Don't judge her. 
It's time to make a commitment to stop judging or making assumptions about other mums and to start SUPPORTING one another. End rant.

Mum Theory

We're all shitty mum's.
Did that get your attention? Rile you up? Make you want to throat punch me a little? Hear me out... we're all shitty mum's... sometimes. And, we think we're shittier than we really are. Really.
So, Shitty Mum's, let me tell you something...

You don't have to have Pinterest worthy crafts to do and display every day. You don't have to have lunch in fun shapes or in cute little boxed compartments every day. You don't even have to make lunch or supper or even breakfast every single day. It's ok that you got frustrated and raised your voice. It doesn't matter if you stayed in your pajamas all day. It's ok. It's ok if you turned on the cartoons 10 minutes after breakfast and turned them off 10 minutes before you crawled into bed. It's ok that you didn't feel like getting down on the floor and playing dinosaurs or barbies or legos. It's ok that you roll your eyes at having to read Goodnight Moon for the 87th time today. It's ok that you would rather space out on facebook for the next 20 minutes, instead of do the dishes or wash the floor or be constantly engaged with your child. It's ok. It's ok that you love and look forward to doing ANYTHING by yourself; be that going to the bathroom without an audience, to grocery shopping, to having a girls night out where you drink your face off and dance until your head spins. You don't have to always be motivating or encouraging or upbeat. It's ok.
Are you striving to be the perfect lil wifey? The perfect mum? Well, Shitty Mum's... perfect does not exist. Really.
Some days you are going to yell. You're going to get frustrated and overwhelmed and lazy. You are going to do the easy thing instead of the best thing. You are going to want to run away or take a break or give yourself a time-out. Some days you aren't going to have it in you to praise every single little good thing and you might fly off the handle at a little inconvenience. Some days, some hours, some minutes you're going to want to drink.
But, Shitty Mum's, all this is what really makes you pretty awesome mum's too. Because we can't be 100%, 100% of the time. The more I talk to other Shitty Mum's, I realize that I'm maybe not as shitty as I thought... that maybe I'm a little closer to normal. Maybe. We all have shitty days. We all have days or moments where we aren't the best mum we could be. But we make up for that. We strive for that. More days, than not, we try to be good mum's. And we get down on the floor to play, or make absurdly amazing pinterest crafts, or have crazy lunches, or dress up and have dance parties. We do read that same story, word for word, a bazillion time, because we know it's loved. We make healthy meals even when all we want is a cheeseburger washed down with a chocolate bar (or two..).
Shitty Mum's, I promise you... you will only truly be a Shitty Mum when you stop caring how shitty you are. Until you are shitty most of the time... until then, you are an AWESOME mum. Yes, really. So it's ok to take a day to be Shitty Mum. Turn on those cartoons, eat icecream out of the tub and lock yourself in the bathroom as often as needed. Tomorrow you'll be AWESOME again... I know it.

Gender Roles

I can remember, very clearly, sitting in one of my Social Work courses (about 5 years ago) talking about gender roles. I remember silently laughing, to myself, at some of the views of a couple of the younger girls. They were making bold statements like "I'm not going to put my future child into a gender box, I'll let them be whoever they are going to be..." And the freshly pregnant me thought, that is all good in theory, but you can't really shield a child completely from gender roles. I knew then, that if the baby in my belly were a girl she'd wear pink, and if he had boy bits (which he did), then he'd wear blue (which he does). But I also knew that I'm open minded enough that if my daughter wanted to play with trucks and climb trees, I'd be ok with that. Just as I'm ok with my sons wanting to play with dolls or dancing around in a tutu. I'm cool like that.

I've always thought that my being open to these sorts of things would not only help my children eventually 'become whomever they are going to be', but help my BOYS become whatever kind of BOY they wanted to be... be that a rough a tumble boy boy or a sweet and gentle boy or better yet, a boy who doesn't care what others thinks, if he wants to play with a Barbie or put on a dress or kiss another boy than WHATEVS.
But he's learned gender roles somewhere. That fact came crashing in on me today when he told me I couldn't barbecue burgers because "Mummy's cook on the stove and only Daddy's cook on the bbq". Ok, it's true that my hubby does MOST of the cooking on the bbq, but REALLY?!?! I do not want my son to grow up to think that there are blue jobs and pink jobs. I don't want him to believe that there are things that men can do, that women can't. Also, I don't want him to ever feel like "women's work" is beneath him.
So today, instead of throwing on the BBQ and grilling up some burgers (and I'm starving too, btw), I sat down with my 4 year old and we talked about gender roles. I told him that even though there are jobs, in our house, that usually just mommy does, doesn't mean daddy can't do it. I explained that girls can do anything boys can do and boys can do anything girls can do. He nodded and agreed. He helped me think of examples, like when his girl friends play sword fighting or construction with him, or when he plays house or "fairy-cast-a-spell-on-the-trolls" (huh?!). I was so proud of us! He gets it.
Then he asked; "So that means I can grow a baby in my tummy just like a mommy? You know, when I'm older?"
Dammit, well played my boy. Well. Played.

Facebook Page

So, I started a facebook page. I *think* it's going to be a good idea... I hope so. Anywhoo... this is the little blurb that I wrote for it today:

I started blogging two(ish) years ago about getting healthy and learning to love myself. The road from there has been full of bumps and bends; there has been weight loss and weight gain, being on and off the wagon, a baby and all the fun that goes with that. I started this page to compliment my blog - which is all of my random rambling about anything from getting healthy, nursing a baby, how much of a jerk my husband is that day, parenting and everything in between. I have found, that I stay on track better when I am accountable to someone else and when I am challenged... and that is how this page begun. It's purely selfish, I hope you don't mind. I want, no, I need to be accountable to all of you... and you guys can be accountable to me too. So this page will have daily posts to help motivate and encourage you on your own journey to wellness.

• Motivational Mondays - a little pick-me-up to help start off your week.
• Tasty Tuesdays - all things food related. Healthy, kid approved recipes, tips and all that fun stuff posted by one of my favorite foodies @Jordana
• *Workout Wednesdays - I'll post a short workout that can be done at home with little to no equipment. Most, if not all, workouts will be 15-20 minutes - easy enough to squeeze one into your day.
• Thankful Thursdays - a day to share what we are grateful for.
• Fess-Up Fridays - there is always something we can admit to. Be it health related or parent related or anything. Today's the day to fess-up.
• Surprise Saturdays - I have no idea what sort of 'theme' to do here, so SURPRISE! You'll probably see some pretty random stuff
• Sunday Funday - We'll end the week with a chortle, a giggle and maybe even a grin

So, I hope you'll enjoy this page. Comment, post, share - let me know what you want to see. Thanks again for checking us out!
Tina

*Workout Wednesdays - please remember to warm up before you start any workout and to spend a little time cooling down with a good stretch - also, you should always talk to your doc before starting any new exercise or diet program.
**disclaimer: I am NOT a professional. All info here is meant to be helpful, but is not intended to replace information from a doctor, trainer, or nutritionist.

Mummy Musing: They Won't Remember

My babies won't remember being babies. They won't remember how I rocked them to sleep. They won't remember how they were once comforted at my breast. They won't remember the sleepy tears I wipe away from their cheeks or the soft kisses I lay upon their head as I tuck them in for the night. They won't remember the times I quietly sneak into their room to watch them sleep. Nor will they remember the badly sung songs I crooned to them. They will not remember the times I held them close and slow danced around the living room to the songs in my heart. They will not remember how the slightest fever, or sniffle, or cough, had me worrying and checking and rechecking to make sure they were alright. And they certainly won't remember seeing the joy on my face as I watch them experience all their firsts. They won't remember it.
But I will. And even if they don't remember why... my children will always be able to remember the feeling of home whenever they're in my arms. They'll be able to remember the overwhelming amount of love that I've poured into them every.single.day of their lives. They'll remember that they are safe, in body and mind, with me. They'll remember the important bits.

Honest Mommy

Ok before I get into things... I just need to be clear: I LOVE being a stay at home mom. I LOVE my boys, I LOVE my life, lovelovelove. Got it? Good.
... But sometimes I feel like this life, right here in this moment, is sucking all the air out of me. Maybe not my air, maybe my ME. Who I am, who I was. Some days, it's like my day starts off like a big, round, red balloon. It's so full you wonder how it doesn't pop. As the day wears on, people and things slowly suck the air out of my balloon. By mid-day, it's starting to look wrinkly and I wonder if it'll even make it until I can crawl under the covers. I try to sneak a minute or two to breath some air, some life, back into my balloon, but those minutes are always fleeting, always gone in the blink of an eye; another snotty nose, another diaper, another meal to prepare or floor to wash. At the end of a 25 hour day, my balloon is deflated and there is nothing left to it, but a stretched out hunk of rubber.
I never expected that being a SAHM would be so hard, so lonely, and so... I don't even know the right word to use. What's a word for the way motherhood changes you? What do you call it when you do the same variation of activities and sequences day after day? Is there a word that describes the drowning feeling that sometimes sneaks up on you, but can be quickly replaced by wonder and joy at the tiny creations you've mothered? What word would you use to describe the crazy love you feel for another being, a love that you didn't even know existed until they were placed in your arms, but at the same time the overwhelming annoyance at their loud chewing or the way they always need to touch you or when they just.won't.stop.talking.
How can anyone, other than another mom, understand this? Does this make me crazy? Am I a terrible mother? Well, to answer that one... heck no. I'm a rad mom. But I'm a real mom. And as a real mom, I can fully admit, some days my family sucks all the air out of my balloon.

5 Months of Ouchie Nipples

Sawyer's been here for 5 months now. It's amazing to see all the little changes that five short months can bring. He laughs, he rolls, he scoochies on his belly a teeny bit, he grabs toys, he's starting to sit on his own for very short periods of time, he drools A LOT, and he's still nursing like a champ. Well, if a champ were super distractible, pretty demanding and kinda picky about where he takes his meals, then yeah, he's a champ.

In the beginning I had fears that I wouldn't be able to nurse Sawyer for the long term. It hurt. A LOT. Between a bad latch, a sleepy jaundice baby, a tongue tie, nipple damage and then **vasospasms, I thought we'd be lucky to reach 6 months. We're only a month away from that.
About a month and a half ago, I noticed that I didn't flinch when Sawyer latched on. I noticed that I was no longer deep breathing for the first two minutes of nursing. I noticed that I didn't immediately curl up into myself and want to wrap my boobs in a heated blanket when we were done nursing. SUCCESS! Finally! He resolved his latch issues, which gave my poor nipples some time to heal, which, with time, calmed the vasospasms. When I realized that it didn't hurt anymore, I turned into the breastfeeding queen! I walked through the Calgary airport nursing, while pushing my stroller full of carry on crap AND corralling my spazzy 4 year old. WIN! I walked through most of the Vancouver Aquarium while nursing while pointing out interesting marine animals to my son and his cousins. I was confidant enough to really pull an old boob out whenever to feed my little meatball; at a party, at the mall, in a parking lot waiting to pick up Trent from preschool.
And then something happened. I'm not sure exactly what it was. Sawyer started to get up more at night again (I'm sure it was the 4 month wonder week); like every hour and a half, get up more at night again. He was fussy, he wasn't napping well because (as any mum knows) bad day sleep leads to bad night sleep which leads to bad day sleep which leads to you being screwed. Well with this sudden influx if night waking and wanting some comfort, I developed a painful blister. I soaked it with an Epsom salts wash, I applied heat, I nursed and pumped hoping to get rid of it. By the third day it was painful enough that I had to carefully pop it. A little relief. I nursed as normal and thought we should be good. WRONG. Welcome back vasospasm! With the nipple trauma comes the vasospasms. They are so painful and take F-O-R-E-V-E-R to heal. And this time, I think they are worse.
I am back to flinching every time he latches onto my left side. I am back to deep breathing to get through the initial minutes of nursing. And if that wasn't enough, now they are almost always painful. They are always spasming, starting about 10 minutes after I finish feeding him, lasting about 3-5 minutes, every half hour or so. Ouch ouch ouchhhhhie!
I know these will eventually heal, again, but in the meantime it's so discouraging. We had finally got to a point in our nursing relationship, that I didn't feel as tied down by the boobs anymore and really enjoyed our quiet little cuddles every few hours. Le sigh! Well let's all cross our fingers that these clear up soon so I can be a breastfeeding champ again.

**Vasospasm: is a sudden constriction/narrowing of a blood vessel (in the nipple) that is extremely painful. You can see a blanching of the nipple and sometimes, as blood flow resumes, the nipple will go from white to blue to red. Check out this great article on Vasospasms, at Kelly Mom.com

A Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day!

Today sucks! It's the kind of day where you'd love to crawl back into bed, pull the covers over your head and sleep until it's tomorrow. It's a terrible, no good, very bad day!

Baby woke up at 4am for his sleepy snack (pretty normal), but he felt like having a little party, so it took about an hour to get him back into bed and asleep.
Then at 6am I hear the baby monitor beeping like the batteries are dying, but it's plugged in. Lean over and sleepily turn it off and take it off the base, when I feel water? Has condensation gotten into the baby monitor??
Back to sleep I go until 7am, when Trent comes parading into my room and throws my covers back. Then I discover that the "moisture" I was feeling in the baby monitor base was actually battery 'juice' that had leaked out. Awesome.
My throat starts to tickle.
Baby poops right out the leg of his jammies, which I had planned on just keeping him in.
Baby then pukes all over me and his second outfit of the day.
By the time I get Sawyer and I changed I come out to the kitchen to discover Trent staring blank faced at teletoon retro and half his bowl of cereal sitting, disgustingly soggy, in front of him. "There's no time for this! You can have a banana in the van."
Throw some clothes on Trent, which I'm not entirely sure are clean, and race to get both kids buckled into the van and on our way.
Look at the clock and we're already late for school. I seriously dislike being late for any reason other than the starbucks lineup being too long.
Get Trent to school, 10 minutes late, and on the drive baby has thrown up on himself again.
Get a call that the repair company can't come look at my broken dryer until Monday at the earliest. AWESOME!  I see visions of pukey and poopy baby clothes dancing in my head.
My nose starts to sniffle.
Go to a friends to hang out while Trent is at school, and although it was great to hangout and be with another adult, Sir Sawyer is too cool to nap. So he gets fussier and crankier.
Pick up the boy from school and decide that I really want a BLT for lunch, but we've got no bacon. To the store, boys! At the store, Sawyer wakes from his 10 minute car nap and Trent RUNS full tilt down every isle pretending to shoot bad guys with his invisible bow and arrow. In and out as quick as it's humanly possible to buy bacon and tomatoes with two littles.
Get home and Trent has decided he ABSOLUTELY will not eat a BLT. After 20 minutes of hmmm'ing and hawwwww'ing he decides he will eat an egg sandwich. This is when Sawyer decides that he's had enough of sitting or laying someplace other than my arms. Grrrreeeeaatt!
Sandwiches made and mostly eaten, I go to feed the baby and SURPRISE, he pukes all over me and himself again.
My head starts to feel foggy and I can feel pressure behind my eyes and nose.
A-W-E-S-O-M-E!
Throw a small load of laundry on and remove all the lovely crusty towels off the drying rack; baby is screaming, Trent is covering his ears and singing a song about how loud and annoying his brother is.
Time to feed the baby again, in hopes of getting him down for a late afternoon nap.... throw my boobie heating gel pack into the microwave (yes, the vasospasms are back) and POP! The gel back explodes in my microwave.
My eye starts to twitch.
Clean up the microwave to the tune of screamy baby and the looney tunes theme song turned up as loud as the tv will go.
Now it's 4pm. I've finally gotten the baby down. I've told Trent that as much as I love him, I just need some time to myself and he's got to entertain himself right now. And I'm about to head down to my basement and kick my broken dryer, then nicely hang up all the baby clothes and hope they dry quickly.
Today has really been a terrible, no good, very bad day indeed... Thank goodness for tomorrows!

Edit: *** and not 10 minutes after posting this blog, Trent says to me "Mummy, I see you have tired eyes. I'm going to go play in the basement (which never happens) so you can have some quiet time (which also never happens!) AND landlord just calls and he found someone to come look at my dryer TOMORROW!!! Ok maybe today is only a terrible no good, somewhat bad day

Digging Deeper

It takes approximately 21 days for something to become part of your everyday routine. Almost a month. I'm on week 2 (again) and already I'm starting to dread working out. Well not dread exactly, but I just wish there was an easier way. I know full well that there isn't a REAL easier way - if I want to lose the weight I've got to put the work in. 21 days worth of putting the work in, and then it shouldn't feel quite as much like work as it does right now.
So when I need to dig deeper, when I need *something* to run towards, when I feel like cutting it short or giving up, I made this.

This is my vision board, my goals, my "why I am doing this". I'm getting healthy for my BOYS. I'm getting healthy for my HAPPINESS. I'm doing this because I love my family and I want to be around for a long long time to bug and harass them. I have put this up right in front of my treadmill, so when I need to focus on something to get through the last excruciating 30 seconds of a sprint or when I need something to climb towards, I can see EXACTLY why I'm doing it.

What gets you through a run or a workout? Are you motivated by the physical or mental changes that comes with a workout? How do you push through or dig a little deeper?

Sweet Song

Late one night, when Trent was in the hospital, I rocked him to sleep and softly sung "You Are My Sunshine". As I remember it, his tiny body relaxed into sleep as I whisper sang to him, not wanting to wake any of the other babies or disturb any other wakeful person with my terrible voice. Whenever he was a little too restless, a little cranky, a little bit on edge; I'd softly sing or hum it to him. A lot of the time I just made up my own words to the tune, and that was good enough. Soon enough, it became his sweet song. The song that whenever it came out of my mouth, he'd relax, he'd stop crying, he'd look up at me or fall asleep. To this day, when he's extra cuddly or needing a little bit more mommy time, I can hum it and he relaxes into me once again and I can see all his baby'ness that is slowly being replaced by boy'ness.
The other day, I walked into the living room where, just moments before Sawyer was howling. Things had gotten quiet - and as every mom knows, that's when there's trouble.. usually. What I saw, and heard, instead, melted my heart. Trent was sitting in front of Sawyer singing "Baby Beluga". Sawyer, with his big bright eyes, just watched his brother intently. When Trent finished singing (with 3 extra verses about pirates and dinosaurs) I applauded and told him that it was very sweet to sing to his baby brother. And he looked at me and said "oh dat's just Sawyer's song. It always makes him happy when you sing it."
I guess over the last few months, whenever Sawyer has been a little restless, a little cranky, a little bit on edge, I've been singing or humming or making up my own words to "Baby Beluga". In my new baby haze, Sawyer got his sweet song.

Did/Do your children have a sweet song? What do you find yourself singing or humming or making up words to the tune of, to quiet your babies?

Memories

I used to pride myself on my memory. I used to be able to look back through the pages in my mind and vividly remember what it was like to be 16 year old me, or first day working at Money Mart me, or first kiss with Dave me. Since having kids, those memories don't really seem to matter as much, and as a result have started to fade. My memories of life before kids has become a black and white slide show.
My memories of the last few years are colourful in comparison. They are a rich tapestry, speckled with all the senses. Not only do I remember when I first really held Trent, but I remember the smell of his delicate skin as I kissed his shoulders; I remember the constant beep.beep.beep. of all the gadgets keeping him alive, my heart pounding with it's rhythm; I remember feeling like for the first time in my life I would KILL to keep this one person safe. My memory of that one itty bitty moment is ALIVE. And now since Sawyer was born, my memories of the last couple of months have become brighter yet; Technicolor even. I want to imprint tiny little morsels of my everyday life into my mind. The unbelievable smell of a warm, sleepy baby when you undo his swaddle. The flutter of impossibly long eyelashes against your cheek. The feel of that tiny first, as it unfurls, against my chest as he sleepily nurses at 3 in the morning. The spark in his eye when I'm the first thing he sees when he wakes up from his nap. The whispered "mummy, I have a cuddle for you". The way Trent always looks me right in the eyes, into my soul, before he tells me he loves me. The long lean legs of a boy who is no longer a baby. The way my arms must have gotten bigger because now there's room for two, when before I could barely contain just the one. The way my heart swells when I think about them. The way that even when they are just down for a nap, I miss them (even when I'm frazzled and crazy and needing a mommy-break). The way their giggles echo around the house.
I hope when my boys are older I'll be able to look back and remember them as they are today. Not in a black and white slide show kind of way, but in the vivid, full of life way they are in my head right now.

5 Things You May Not Know About New Babies

1. Babies produce an alarming amount of ear wax. Yes it's normal, but it's still pretty gross (and weirdly satisfying) to pick out a raisin sized chunk of ear wax from your infants ear.
2. Babies are born with a special sensor, which I refer to as luke-warm-beveragosa. This heat seeking sensor alerts the baby every.single.time you are about to enjoy a warm beverage, thus waking him from a sound sleep, turning his giggles to cries, and/or expelling an explosive poop that travels all the way up his back to settle in his armpits.
3. There are certain baby cries that operate on a frequency meant to induce insanity to it's mother. They are cries that you can FEEL right in the marrow of your bones and make your eyeballs shake in your skull. You are completely powerless to these cries and will drop whatever you are doing to check on your little one.  
4. Baby fingernails are the next closest thing to Wolverine's claws. They are one of the sharpest and fastest growing substances on this planet. Those itty bitty, paper thin nails are deceiving - you can cut them every other day and still look like a wild cat attacked your chest and/or face.
5. Babies are wired to change things up, and often. As soon as you think your baby has started to "sleep through the night", he'll start waking up half a dozen times again. As soon as you think you've got some sort of routine or pattern to your day, he'll start wanting to nap longer or shorter which will shift everything by a couple hours and will result in a flustered mum and a baby who doesn't really know what it wants. As soon as you believe he's started to eat well, he'll go on a nursing strike, or hit a growth spurt and want to eat all.day.long again. As soon as you think to yourself "ok, so this is the way it's going to be..." he's going to change it up on you. THAT is the only thing predictable about babies.

What are some things that surprised you about your new baby? Was it the crazy amount that they sleep or don't sleep? Or just how much one little person can throw up in a day?

To My Boys

My Dear Boys,
You are both so little right now, but one day you will both be grown men, with lives and (likely) families of your own. It goes by so quickly. One day you are a tiny baby, asleep in my arms. The next, you are a rumble tumble boy with dirt on your nose. The day after that, you are looking for the keys to the car. And then you are a man. Fast. Blink of an eye, one single heartbeat; fast.
Because life happens so quickly, I thought it was important to share with you some important life rules. Please keep an open mind about them.

1. Always do your best. That means working hard, putting the best effort forth, giving it everything you have. If you've tried your hardest and done the best you can do, you will always succeed.
2. Never raise your hands in anger. NEVER. There will be times in your life where you are so angry, so filled with rage, that you will want to lash out. You will want to hit something or someone. Don't do it. EVER. Find other ways to deal with your anger. Go for a run, paint, lift weights, play piano, start a garden. Our hands are not meant for hitting.
3. Experience life! Travel. Learn a new language. Try new kinds of foods. Read different kinds of books. This whole world is open to you!
4. Be spiritual. I don't care if you go to church every Sunday. You don't have to believe in things the same way that I do, But I want you to find a peace that only comes with knowing, in your heart, that you are a small piece of the puzzle that is life. Carry that light in your heart.
5. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Respect your elders. They have a lot to offer you. They have helped shape the life around you. They have nurtured and cared for you, so you must nurture and care for them.
6. Learn how to take care of your basic needs. Cooking, laundry, cleaning. You won't always have me to take care of you. And I refuse to pass along a son who needs to be taken care of, to my future daughter in law. I'll even let you in on a little secret; there is nothing sexier than a man who can cook a meal for you, than clean it up afterwards.
7. Learn. Always. Never stop learning. Never stop trying to hone your talents. There is an endless supply of knowledge out there, reach for it.
8. It's ok to have feelings. As boys, and men, you may think it's silly to show many emotions. You may think it's 'girlie' to cry. It's not. If you stamp down your emotions long enough, you will become cold. If you're sad, be sad. If you're happy or excited, be happy and excited. It's freeing.
9. Get outside. Fresh air is a cure for almost anything.
10. I will ALWAYS love you. There will be times when you think I am the biggest bitch on this planet, but I will still love you. You may not talk to me every day, or we may live far apart, but I will always love you. Everything I do for you, is out of love. YOU are my reason for living. You are my heartbeat. You are my everything. So, when I'm grounding you, or taking away your car, or walking into your room when you're with a girl... it's because I love you.

Love,
Mum xo