Gender Roles

I can remember, very clearly, sitting in one of my Social Work courses (about 5 years ago) talking about gender roles. I remember silently laughing, to myself, at some of the views of a couple of the younger girls. They were making bold statements like "I'm not going to put my future child into a gender box, I'll let them be whoever they are going to be..." And the freshly pregnant me thought, that is all good in theory, but you can't really shield a child completely from gender roles. I knew then, that if the baby in my belly were a girl she'd wear pink, and if he had boy bits (which he did), then he'd wear blue (which he does). But I also knew that I'm open minded enough that if my daughter wanted to play with trucks and climb trees, I'd be ok with that. Just as I'm ok with my sons wanting to play with dolls or dancing around in a tutu. I'm cool like that.

I've always thought that my being open to these sorts of things would not only help my children eventually 'become whomever they are going to be', but help my BOYS become whatever kind of BOY they wanted to be... be that a rough a tumble boy boy or a sweet and gentle boy or better yet, a boy who doesn't care what others thinks, if he wants to play with a Barbie or put on a dress or kiss another boy than WHATEVS.
But he's learned gender roles somewhere. That fact came crashing in on me today when he told me I couldn't barbecue burgers because "Mummy's cook on the stove and only Daddy's cook on the bbq". Ok, it's true that my hubby does MOST of the cooking on the bbq, but REALLY?!?! I do not want my son to grow up to think that there are blue jobs and pink jobs. I don't want him to believe that there are things that men can do, that women can't. Also, I don't want him to ever feel like "women's work" is beneath him.
So today, instead of throwing on the BBQ and grilling up some burgers (and I'm starving too, btw), I sat down with my 4 year old and we talked about gender roles. I told him that even though there are jobs, in our house, that usually just mommy does, doesn't mean daddy can't do it. I explained that girls can do anything boys can do and boys can do anything girls can do. He nodded and agreed. He helped me think of examples, like when his girl friends play sword fighting or construction with him, or when he plays house or "fairy-cast-a-spell-on-the-trolls" (huh?!). I was so proud of us! He gets it.
Then he asked; "So that means I can grow a baby in my tummy just like a mommy? You know, when I'm older?"
Dammit, well played my boy. Well. Played.

Mummy Musing: They Won't Remember

My babies won't remember being babies. They won't remember how I rocked them to sleep. They won't remember how they were once comforted at my breast. They won't remember the sleepy tears I wipe away from their cheeks or the soft kisses I lay upon their head as I tuck them in for the night. They won't remember the times I quietly sneak into their room to watch them sleep. Nor will they remember the badly sung songs I crooned to them. They will not remember the times I held them close and slow danced around the living room to the songs in my heart. They will not remember how the slightest fever, or sniffle, or cough, had me worrying and checking and rechecking to make sure they were alright. And they certainly won't remember seeing the joy on my face as I watch them experience all their firsts. They won't remember it.
But I will. And even if they don't remember why... my children will always be able to remember the feeling of home whenever they're in my arms. They'll be able to remember the overwhelming amount of love that I've poured into them every.single.day of their lives. They'll remember that they are safe, in body and mind, with me. They'll remember the important bits.

Sweet Song

Late one night, when Trent was in the hospital, I rocked him to sleep and softly sung "You Are My Sunshine". As I remember it, his tiny body relaxed into sleep as I whisper sang to him, not wanting to wake any of the other babies or disturb any other wakeful person with my terrible voice. Whenever he was a little too restless, a little cranky, a little bit on edge; I'd softly sing or hum it to him. A lot of the time I just made up my own words to the tune, and that was good enough. Soon enough, it became his sweet song. The song that whenever it came out of my mouth, he'd relax, he'd stop crying, he'd look up at me or fall asleep. To this day, when he's extra cuddly or needing a little bit more mommy time, I can hum it and he relaxes into me once again and I can see all his baby'ness that is slowly being replaced by boy'ness.
The other day, I walked into the living room where, just moments before Sawyer was howling. Things had gotten quiet - and as every mom knows, that's when there's trouble.. usually. What I saw, and heard, instead, melted my heart. Trent was sitting in front of Sawyer singing "Baby Beluga". Sawyer, with his big bright eyes, just watched his brother intently. When Trent finished singing (with 3 extra verses about pirates and dinosaurs) I applauded and told him that it was very sweet to sing to his baby brother. And he looked at me and said "oh dat's just Sawyer's song. It always makes him happy when you sing it."
I guess over the last few months, whenever Sawyer has been a little restless, a little cranky, a little bit on edge, I've been singing or humming or making up my own words to "Baby Beluga". In my new baby haze, Sawyer got his sweet song.

Did/Do your children have a sweet song? What do you find yourself singing or humming or making up words to the tune of, to quiet your babies?

Memories

I used to pride myself on my memory. I used to be able to look back through the pages in my mind and vividly remember what it was like to be 16 year old me, or first day working at Money Mart me, or first kiss with Dave me. Since having kids, those memories don't really seem to matter as much, and as a result have started to fade. My memories of life before kids has become a black and white slide show.
My memories of the last few years are colourful in comparison. They are a rich tapestry, speckled with all the senses. Not only do I remember when I first really held Trent, but I remember the smell of his delicate skin as I kissed his shoulders; I remember the constant beep.beep.beep. of all the gadgets keeping him alive, my heart pounding with it's rhythm; I remember feeling like for the first time in my life I would KILL to keep this one person safe. My memory of that one itty bitty moment is ALIVE. And now since Sawyer was born, my memories of the last couple of months have become brighter yet; Technicolor even. I want to imprint tiny little morsels of my everyday life into my mind. The unbelievable smell of a warm, sleepy baby when you undo his swaddle. The flutter of impossibly long eyelashes against your cheek. The feel of that tiny first, as it unfurls, against my chest as he sleepily nurses at 3 in the morning. The spark in his eye when I'm the first thing he sees when he wakes up from his nap. The whispered "mummy, I have a cuddle for you". The way Trent always looks me right in the eyes, into my soul, before he tells me he loves me. The long lean legs of a boy who is no longer a baby. The way my arms must have gotten bigger because now there's room for two, when before I could barely contain just the one. The way my heart swells when I think about them. The way that even when they are just down for a nap, I miss them (even when I'm frazzled and crazy and needing a mommy-break). The way their giggles echo around the house.
I hope when my boys are older I'll be able to look back and remember them as they are today. Not in a black and white slide show kind of way, but in the vivid, full of life way they are in my head right now.

5 Things You May Not Know About New Babies

1. Babies produce an alarming amount of ear wax. Yes it's normal, but it's still pretty gross (and weirdly satisfying) to pick out a raisin sized chunk of ear wax from your infants ear.
2. Babies are born with a special sensor, which I refer to as luke-warm-beveragosa. This heat seeking sensor alerts the baby every.single.time you are about to enjoy a warm beverage, thus waking him from a sound sleep, turning his giggles to cries, and/or expelling an explosive poop that travels all the way up his back to settle in his armpits.
3. There are certain baby cries that operate on a frequency meant to induce insanity to it's mother. They are cries that you can FEEL right in the marrow of your bones and make your eyeballs shake in your skull. You are completely powerless to these cries and will drop whatever you are doing to check on your little one.  
4. Baby fingernails are the next closest thing to Wolverine's claws. They are one of the sharpest and fastest growing substances on this planet. Those itty bitty, paper thin nails are deceiving - you can cut them every other day and still look like a wild cat attacked your chest and/or face.
5. Babies are wired to change things up, and often. As soon as you think your baby has started to "sleep through the night", he'll start waking up half a dozen times again. As soon as you think you've got some sort of routine or pattern to your day, he'll start wanting to nap longer or shorter which will shift everything by a couple hours and will result in a flustered mum and a baby who doesn't really know what it wants. As soon as you believe he's started to eat well, he'll go on a nursing strike, or hit a growth spurt and want to eat all.day.long again. As soon as you think to yourself "ok, so this is the way it's going to be..." he's going to change it up on you. THAT is the only thing predictable about babies.

What are some things that surprised you about your new baby? Was it the crazy amount that they sleep or don't sleep? Or just how much one little person can throw up in a day?

To My Boys

My Dear Boys,
You are both so little right now, but one day you will both be grown men, with lives and (likely) families of your own. It goes by so quickly. One day you are a tiny baby, asleep in my arms. The next, you are a rumble tumble boy with dirt on your nose. The day after that, you are looking for the keys to the car. And then you are a man. Fast. Blink of an eye, one single heartbeat; fast.
Because life happens so quickly, I thought it was important to share with you some important life rules. Please keep an open mind about them.

1. Always do your best. That means working hard, putting the best effort forth, giving it everything you have. If you've tried your hardest and done the best you can do, you will always succeed.
2. Never raise your hands in anger. NEVER. There will be times in your life where you are so angry, so filled with rage, that you will want to lash out. You will want to hit something or someone. Don't do it. EVER. Find other ways to deal with your anger. Go for a run, paint, lift weights, play piano, start a garden. Our hands are not meant for hitting.
3. Experience life! Travel. Learn a new language. Try new kinds of foods. Read different kinds of books. This whole world is open to you!
4. Be spiritual. I don't care if you go to church every Sunday. You don't have to believe in things the same way that I do, But I want you to find a peace that only comes with knowing, in your heart, that you are a small piece of the puzzle that is life. Carry that light in your heart.
5. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Respect your elders. They have a lot to offer you. They have helped shape the life around you. They have nurtured and cared for you, so you must nurture and care for them.
6. Learn how to take care of your basic needs. Cooking, laundry, cleaning. You won't always have me to take care of you. And I refuse to pass along a son who needs to be taken care of, to my future daughter in law. I'll even let you in on a little secret; there is nothing sexier than a man who can cook a meal for you, than clean it up afterwards.
7. Learn. Always. Never stop learning. Never stop trying to hone your talents. There is an endless supply of knowledge out there, reach for it.
8. It's ok to have feelings. As boys, and men, you may think it's silly to show many emotions. You may think it's 'girlie' to cry. It's not. If you stamp down your emotions long enough, you will become cold. If you're sad, be sad. If you're happy or excited, be happy and excited. It's freeing.
9. Get outside. Fresh air is a cure for almost anything.
10. I will ALWAYS love you. There will be times when you think I am the biggest bitch on this planet, but I will still love you. You may not talk to me every day, or we may live far apart, but I will always love you. Everything I do for you, is out of love. YOU are my reason for living. You are my heartbeat. You are my everything. So, when I'm grounding you, or taking away your car, or walking into your room when you're with a girl... it's because I love you.

Love,
Mum xo