Memories

I used to pride myself on my memory. I used to be able to look back through the pages in my mind and vividly remember what it was like to be 16 year old me, or first day working at Money Mart me, or first kiss with Dave me. Since having kids, those memories don't really seem to matter as much, and as a result have started to fade. My memories of life before kids has become a black and white slide show.
My memories of the last few years are colourful in comparison. They are a rich tapestry, speckled with all the senses. Not only do I remember when I first really held Trent, but I remember the smell of his delicate skin as I kissed his shoulders; I remember the constant beep.beep.beep. of all the gadgets keeping him alive, my heart pounding with it's rhythm; I remember feeling like for the first time in my life I would KILL to keep this one person safe. My memory of that one itty bitty moment is ALIVE. And now since Sawyer was born, my memories of the last couple of months have become brighter yet; Technicolor even. I want to imprint tiny little morsels of my everyday life into my mind. The unbelievable smell of a warm, sleepy baby when you undo his swaddle. The flutter of impossibly long eyelashes against your cheek. The feel of that tiny first, as it unfurls, against my chest as he sleepily nurses at 3 in the morning. The spark in his eye when I'm the first thing he sees when he wakes up from his nap. The whispered "mummy, I have a cuddle for you". The way Trent always looks me right in the eyes, into my soul, before he tells me he loves me. The long lean legs of a boy who is no longer a baby. The way my arms must have gotten bigger because now there's room for two, when before I could barely contain just the one. The way my heart swells when I think about them. The way that even when they are just down for a nap, I miss them (even when I'm frazzled and crazy and needing a mommy-break). The way their giggles echo around the house.
I hope when my boys are older I'll be able to look back and remember them as they are today. Not in a black and white slide show kind of way, but in the vivid, full of life way they are in my head right now.