Big Bootie Girl

Before puberty I was always the smallest. I was short (ok, I still am) and pretty skinny. Then BAM! My boobs, my hips and my butt started to grow... I was super excited to get boobs. But they sorta stopped, but the bum and hips didn't. Since then I've always really disliked my lower body. It's taken YEARS of crash dieting and extremely poor body image for me to finally come to grips with things. THIS is my body. This is my body shape and it doesn't matter how much I work out or how little I eat or anything - THIS is the body I got. As round and unporportional as it is. I've just got to deal with it.
Now that isn't a complete "get out of jail free" card. Just because I'm aware that my body will never be super model skinny or have "hips like a boy" (which is something I've always really wanted), doesn't mean I should stop working towards healthy. I may be pear shaped... but I'm not healthy pear shaped right now. I'm still overweight. I'm lumpy. I'm jiggley. But under all that are some pretty great CURVES, that I've been ashamed of for so many years. Well I'm sorry curves!
This is my new goal; LOVE who I am, curves and weird hair and wonky eyes and stretch marks and ALL. I will break out of my fat, self imposed, prison and flaunt my beautiful curves again.

First Steps

So now that I am post pregnancy, I know it's time to step up my game and get rid of the jiggle. Having an infant definitely puts a little bit of a speed bump on my path to skinny; he wants to eat anywhere between every hour to every 3 hours. And you never really know which it'll be until he starts eying up my boobs and making his ever so cute little grunt/fuss/screech. Add to that, with my hubby working away, it's just me and the boys ALL.THE.TIME. Sawyer is a little bit young for a teenage babysitter (in my opinion) and my mum isn't available often.
Excuse. Excuse. Excuse. Excuse. Excuse.
I can come up with a dozen more, if you'd like. But I won't. Because really, these excuses don't really matter to anyone else. They only matter to me, and only then they matter because I let them hold me back. I know I'm not alone here - there are thousands of women who let their kids or lack of time for themselves hold them back. So how can we move past it?
First things first; WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU, IN GETTING HEALTHY?
Is it losing weight? Or getting stronger? Do you want to start eating better, cleaner? Do you want to be able to run or even walk without getting winded? Or do you want to show your kids that being active is important? Do you want to do something alone or with a group? With your kids or without? What about your partner? This is the first step.
What's important to me? I want to lose weight. I want to be stronger. I want to eat better; I want my family to eat better. I want to do something FOR ME, without having a child hanging off my leg or my arm or my boob. First step complete - onto the second; Translating what's important to me, into an action plan.

To Binge or Not To Binge

I binge. I binge without even thinking about it. When there is a 'treat' or something calling my name, I usually can't just have one, I usually can't just have one handful...this is a problem. It's partly a matter of self control, it's also partly a matter of not allowing myself to have 'treats' - so when I fall off the wagon, so to speak, I fall hard (and eat everything I shouldn't on the way down). I binge when I'm frustrated. I binge when I'm sad or lonely. Binging makes me feel out of control, which ultimately ends up making me binge some more. Vicious. Cycle.
So how can I do better? To start I can really truly get rid of the crap in our house. The 'treats', the temptations, the junk that whispers my name every time I walk into the kitchen. I can also try other things before I go to the junky snack; like drinking a whole bottle of water before to see if maybe I was just thirsty; or eating an apple if I need a sweet fix.
My biggest hurdle to overcome will be getting my hubby on board. He SAYS he'd like to start eating better and getting rid of the junk... but the junk keeps sneaking it's way back into the cart, into the cupboard. Both of us don't like to waste, so the idea of throwing out perfectly good (junk) food, is a little hard to swallow. Slowly, but surely, the bad stuff is disappearing - but now we need to find good alternatives so that we don't feel like we're missing out, thus leading to the crap coming back in.
What are your healthy alternatives when you need a salty fix? A sweet treat? A crunchie snack?

Where are my results?

Whether you've been at it for a month or for 3 years, if you aren't seeing the results that you were hoping for you are going to get disappointed. I've been working out for close to 2 years now, on my own, with a personal trainer, or in the gym. We've changed the way we eat, by not eating out more than once a week, if that (and making healthier choices when dining out as well), by meal planning healthy suppers, by always having a stocked fruit bowl and vegetable crisper. Hubby and I have talked quite a bit about wanting to live healthier lives, not only for ourselves, but so we can be the fun grandparents one day who still run around chasing the grandchildren.

Healthy Goals ✔
Cut Out Most of the Crap ✔
Move Your Body ✔

 So it's completely understandable why I am so frustrated. Why I'm so disappointed. Why I'm feeling like a 'failure'. I've been doing the right things. I've followed a prescription for health, but I'm still fat a really jiggley mommy. I want to go to the doctor to talk about testing, but I don't want to be seen as another fat larger person who blames a genetic problem or underactive thyroid before actually doing the work. Not to mention, my current doctor is so "oh you know, just don't eat so much". 

And then sometimes I just really need to re-evaluate my expectations. When I first started on this journey I was over 180lbs. I couldn't do ONE MODIFIED pushup. I couldn't run for more than 20 seconds. I would get breathless going up one flight of stairs. I may still be quite a distance from my goal weight of 130lbs, but I can do so much more now. I can do about 20 FULL ON pushups before I need to take a breather, but than I can do 20 more after that, and then 20 more, and more. Maybe slowly, maybe awkwardly, but I RAN a 5km last spring. I can run stairs at the gym... I can KEEP UP at the gym. I can play fitness games with the trainers (hardcore class!) and WIN! I am strong! I'm willing to at least TRY now, instead of give up before I even start.

Ok, so I've got TWO choices: I can be defeated by a number on the scale, because when we talk about results, the result I want to see is a decreasing number there. OR I can keep going. I can ask for help and input from the people around me. I can push myself harder. I can go farther. I can set more goals. I can continue to strive to be the person I want to be, whether that's in 6 months or 6 years and no matter what obstacles may stand in my way. Who are we kidding... there aren't two choices.