Life has been rather unpleasant lately. I have been in hand to hand combat with a worsening depression, single parenting due to an oilfield 'hubby', trying to make a baby, trying to find a trust worthy, reliable sitter so I can have a minute to myself once in awhile and be pleasant about everything crappy in my life. Last week that all blew up in my face. I couldn't be pleasant about things anymore. I fought with 'hubby' about making time for our family, about needing to move out of this crowded apartment, about feeling alone and unappreciated. I bickered with him over taking the garbage out and coffee grinds sprinkled on the counter and floor every.single.morning. I cried. A lot. I felt lost and alone and like this could be the beginning of the end. And that was the scariest feeling I've had in a long time.
Depression really makes everything worse than it should be. It's like seeing your best friend on the other side of a huge lake of mud; you can get to your friend, but it's so much harder than swimming in water or walking on land. It's like looking out the window at a beautiful warm day, but staying inside with the lights off and a chill in the stale air. I have been on and off medication for depression and anxiety since I was 13. I am determined to not go back onto them. I believe that I have come to a point in my life where I can see myself spiralling down, and should be able to take the steps needed to help myself back up. Sometimes I can't do that alone, which is difficult when your partner spends 90% of his time away.
Two weeks ago, I had to reach out. I knew I was getting bad, I knew I wasn't going to be able to see things clearly myself or have the right perspective to make decent choices. In the guise of needing nutrition support, in stepped someone who I have come to call a good friend,
Jo. Last week she came over and we chatted about my food journal, laughed at our kids making creations at my kitchen table, and talked about my lack of control. BING BING BING! Something rang true. I have very little control in my life right now. I'm a slave to child nap schedules, bus routes and playgroups. I'm stuck in a loop of having to rely on other people, which tends to fail, because I don't have much choice. I don't have my own money, what little cash I do bring it goes right onto credit cards and student loans, which means I'm "begging" money off 'hubby' (he doesn't see it like this at all, but that's how it feels to me). I'm stuck. It's no wonder I'm unhappy. It's no wonder I feel like I'm out of control and alone and incapable of 'getting it', because right now I am.
After our talk, I decided I needed to take charge of my life again. In the precious minutes a day I get with Shawn, I spoke of some of the things I need to change. I realized that I have to go easy with him, because he does work long, hard days and doesn't want to come home (when he does) to a bitchy 'wifey' all the time. And that means that I have to let go of some of the small complaints, and by let go I don't mean store them up for later - I've got to really be ok if he spills the coffee grounds on the floor every morning, it's annoying, but it's because it's early and he's tired and he doesn't dance around and sprinkle them everywhere (even if sometimes it looks that way). I've also decided to give baby making a little time out. I'm stressed, he's stressed, it's just not happening right now for whatever reason. It's sucky, because I want another baby - but I don't want another baby at the expense of either our relationship or my sanity.
So this week began anew. I might have needed a drink, a night or two, but as I write this, I feel good. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Not the whole weight of the world that I like to carry there, but it's been eased somewhat. And with a little extra breathing room, and friends that show up when I need them most... it's blue skies from here on out.
