A Disappearing Act

For the last year - well, longer than a year - I have been slipping away. I have had fewer playdates/coffee dates. I've texted more than called. I've pictures or updates, but haven't been there for those pictures, or events, or updates. I thought a big part of that was the baby, and maybe it is/was. Either a nap routine, or screamy infant, or just the thought of loading an unhappy baby into a carseat and going anywhere, kept me at home more. I also thought it could be that some of the people who I wished to hang out with, reconnect with, started back to work or got busy or moved. So I sat at home, trapped under the weight of a baby who wouldn't sleep or eat well, under the weight of practically being a single mother, under the weight of not having a regular sitter or family around that can help take a little of the pressure off me. I felt myself starting to disappear. This girl woman who I had barely started to get to know, before the arrival of the JiggleyBaby, was slipping away. Her goals, her dreams, her ideas, not mattering under the pile of laundry and pumped breastmilk and missed phone calls.
I don't want to disappear anymore. I want to be a friend and a woman and a photographer and a writer AND a mommy AND a housewife. I can be all. I need to start taking care of ME. I need ME to become a priority again. I have amazing ideas swirling around my brain - it's time to try to make those ideas come alive. I am a great friend - it's time to spread my love around a bit. I have vision and imagination and drive... I can do anything. It's time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up - and I'm not talking about a career. I mean, it's time to figure out who I want to stand next to me in my life. Who I want to celebrate my successes with and who will mourn my failed attempts with me. It's time to see what I want to devote my extra time to, because there really isn't a whole lot of it - so whatever it is, needs to be AWESOME. It's time to love the person I am, embrace the inner me and find out what she loves in this world. It's time to stop disappearing.