Sausage in a Swimsuit

The only thing I hate more than swimsuit shopping is actually wearing a swimsuit. When you are completely self-conscious about your size or how you look, wearing swim wear can be an anxiety envoking event. No matter the suit, I almost always end up feeling like an overstuffed sausage. Feeling like this then results in two things; the entire time I'm at the pool I feel like every single person there is looking (and laughing) at me, and/or I just don't get in the water.
This second result, is sad. I'm practically a single mother to two amazing little boys. They LOVE swimming. THEY don't care if I'm a size 6 or 16 in a swimsuit. When they are in their thirties, they aren't going to be remember that I didn't like to go to the pool because I felt awkward in a swimsuit. No! They're going to remember that Mommy didn't take them swimming.
<insert a lightbulb here>
How many things have I NOT done, because I let my size or shape negative self image get in the way? How many beach days? Or picnics at the park? How many bike rides? How many times did I just not feel pretty enough or fun enough or small enough or... enough enough? ENOUGH!
Tonight after supper I'm taking the boys swimming. I'm going to stuff myself into my bathing suit. And yes, I'll be uncomfortable, but my boys won't know that. I'm going to splash with them and blow bubbles with them and it's going to be awesome. And when they're in their thirties and trying to figure out what kind of parent they want to be, I hope they'll remember all the times that Mummy did fun things like take them to the pool, or on bike rides, or on picnics at the park.

Learing to Love Me

One of the biggest things I've been working on lately, is acceptance. Acceptance of who I am in this moment. It's a lot harder to do, than one might think. For years (read that as, for as long as I can remember), I've been striving to BE someone else. Someone who is thinner or prettier; someone funnier or smarter. The last time I can remember really being at peace with myself, was for like a minute after Trent was born. I was too busy watching my baby fight for his life, to worry about the roundness of my hips, the bulge of my post pardum belly, or what other people might think of me. I didn't care if I fit in anywhere, because I fit in perfectly with the new little miracle that was my son. With time, things returned to 'normal' and I started to wish away the unwanted pounds and inches, I started to worry about what people thought when they saw me, what kind of mother they thought I was, what kind of woman. Again, I turned into a work in progress. I wasn't happy with WHO I was, but it's ok, because I'd lose the weight or get stronger or find new friends and THEN I'd be the person I wanted to be. And THAT person would be happy with who she was.
The sad thing is... you don't get happy like that. If you've always had a hate/hate relationship with yourself, it doesn't matter how much weight you lose, how strong you get, how many friends you are surrounded by... you will still likely hate yourself, you will still likely find more that needs changing before you can be the person you will love.
Let me illustrate this for you: Let's say I was dating someone, and I was twinkly eyed in-love with them. So you and I are chatting over tea (cause that's when I do my most awesome chatting) and I tell you that I told him I love him. *gasp* Did he say it back?? You'll most likely ask. Wellllll.... no. He told me that he *would* love me, if only I were a bit smaller, a bit lighter, but he gave me the name of a great personal trainer friend of his! He told me he *probably* would start to fall in love with me if I wore skinny jeans more often AND if I dyed my hair - but a professional dye job, he thinks the home jobs look cheap. He also told me that he'd really *think* about falling in love with me, if I started hanging out more with the Deer Park/Timberstone/Vanier Woods mums, because.. well everyone knows that if you live on the SE part of town you have money and are wayyy better off. You would probably want to slap the stupid right off my face, if I told you that, huh?
So why do we treat ourselves like we're the slimy douche bag boyfriend?? Why do we say that we'd love ourselves if only... IF ONLY...
We need to love ourselves NOW. I'm finding my love. I LOVE that my body has grown and nourished two small humans. I LOVE that my children find the most comfort in my arms. I LOVE that I'm the little mommy, and most kids find me approachable (because I'm closer to eye level). I LOVE that I have little feet so I can shop in the women's or kids section. I LOVE the lines around my eyes - they show that I've laughed a lot in this life. I LOVE my back because it's my canvas. I LOVE my heart because it's open. I love the little muscles on the back of my upper arms, because they remind me that I'm strong.
Do I still want to lose weight? Of course. But I don't want to fit into a perception of myself anymore. I don't want to wait around to become someone that I *think* will be better. I'm better TODAY. I'd like to strive for a healthier life, a healthier me... not a different me.
So this week my goal is to work on LOOKING like ME. I need to find a style, a look, that says TINA. For so long I've been in transition - oh, I won't go buy new clothes until I'm a size __, I'll just pick up another pair of cheap black yoga pants and make due. My entire wardrobe is all stretched out, faded black yoga pants, maternity clothes and crap from like 6 years ago. Nothing fits properly. Everything is 'make due until' clothes. So every time I get dressed I am reminded that I'm not where I wanted to be. NO MORE. It's time to buy some clothes that I'm comfortable in, that actually fit and that I can leave the house and not look like a complete slob. Wish me luck, everyone - because I have no idea how to dress my body AND I've hidden in cheap ugly clothes for so long, I'm not even sure what's "cool".

Do you have any suggestions on where to shop or how to dress my short pear frame?? Any 'looks' out there, that you think scream "JIGGLEY MOMMY"?? Comment with your suggestions or input - I'd love to hear from you!

Return of #ReasonsImAwesome

If you know me, or stalk me on Facebook (which is perfectly acceptable), you probably know that lately I've been struggling. Between the ongoing broken sleep that comes along with the Jiggley Baby, and doing all of the child wrangling/household crapola on my own, I've also been pretty hard on myself. Ok, that's a lie. I've been downright mean to myself.

• You can't keep the house tidy
• Listen to that baby crying at you, you can't even make him happy
• Look at {Jiggley Boy}, he's bouncing off the walls and getting into trouble because YOU aren't paying enough attention to him
• No one really wants to hang out with you because you're such a downer
• You're not good enough
• You can't do it

Just a little snippet of the lovely self-talk that has been going through my head lately. If anyone talked to someone I cared about like that, it would INFURIATE me. If anyone talked to my kids like that I would throat punch them (ok, probably not - but I'd really want to). But why is it ok, acceptable even, to talk to myself like this? I could blame it on my mother never really having anything nice to say about herself. I could blame it on the media and how they have given me a completely skewed perspective on beauty and motherhood and on just being a woman in general. I could blame it on depression or anxiety or OCD. There are any number of things that I *could* blame it on. But placing the blame doesn't really change the fact that I am a bitch to myself. It doesn't really change the fact that MANY women are mean, and hard, and hateful to themselves.
I don't want my boys to grow up thinking that it's just normal to be overly critical of themselves; to hate themselves; to always feel like they don't measure up to a conceived version of themselves that doesn't exist. So it's time to change. It just takes one person, with one idea to start a revolution... now I'm not saying "Hey, friends, let's start a revolution!", but... Hey, friends, do you want to start something amazing? Awesome, even?


These guys are just a part of what makes me awesome <3
{Photo courtesy of Amber Bourret Photography - check her out!}

I'm bringing back #ReasonsImAwesome. 30 days of LOVING yourself. 30 days of finding something, no matter how big or small, that makes you the incredible, amazing, AWESOME person you are. 30 days of acknowledging that even with our flaws and mistakes and imperfections, we are pretty super. So check out the Facebook page and share your #ReasonsImAwesome. You can even use the #ReasonsImAwesome on Twitter if you want to spread the love. Let's start changing the way we think about ourselves. Let's change the way our kids WILL think about themselves in the future.

First Steps

So now that I am post pregnancy, I know it's time to step up my game and get rid of the jiggle. Having an infant definitely puts a little bit of a speed bump on my path to skinny; he wants to eat anywhere between every hour to every 3 hours. And you never really know which it'll be until he starts eying up my boobs and making his ever so cute little grunt/fuss/screech. Add to that, with my hubby working away, it's just me and the boys ALL.THE.TIME. Sawyer is a little bit young for a teenage babysitter (in my opinion) and my mum isn't available often.
Excuse. Excuse. Excuse. Excuse. Excuse.
I can come up with a dozen more, if you'd like. But I won't. Because really, these excuses don't really matter to anyone else. They only matter to me, and only then they matter because I let them hold me back. I know I'm not alone here - there are thousands of women who let their kids or lack of time for themselves hold them back. So how can we move past it?
First things first; WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU, IN GETTING HEALTHY?
Is it losing weight? Or getting stronger? Do you want to start eating better, cleaner? Do you want to be able to run or even walk without getting winded? Or do you want to show your kids that being active is important? Do you want to do something alone or with a group? With your kids or without? What about your partner? This is the first step.
What's important to me? I want to lose weight. I want to be stronger. I want to eat better; I want my family to eat better. I want to do something FOR ME, without having a child hanging off my leg or my arm or my boob. First step complete - onto the second; Translating what's important to me, into an action plan.

Diet Secrets Revealed!

<Insert almost any female celebrity name here> lost 30lbs in ONE month with these TWO easy diet secrets. And for only $99.99 we'll share the secret to her success so you too can have the body you've always dreamed about.

Ahh *ahem* bullshit. I CALL BULLSHIT! Ok, first of all, I want to put it out there that the media has such an effed up sense of what a real woman should look like. It's ridiculous to think that the average woman is EVER going to look like the women who make like 8.2 million dollars for prancing around in short shorts and a bikini top (and makeout with my boyfriends Johnny or Gerard). The AVERAGE woman does not have such a disposable income for a personal chef to make sure all her food is unprocessed and nutrient appropriate. She doesn't have 3 different personal trainers who spend hours with her every day. She doesn't have a nanny to watch her kids all day long AND a personal assistance to answer her calls all day long. So ladies, please stop looking at these woman who we can never really aspire to be. It's not our job to mold our imperfect bodies into what everyone ELSE says is 'beautiful'. Do you know what IS perfect? Being a little bit warmer in the winter because of your extra 'fluff'. It's beautiful being STRONG enough to tote around an infant carrier and a toddler on the hip. It's beautiful having stretch marks or saggy boobs that show that your body was the vessel of a living miracle. It's beautiful to be smart or witty or funny. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. You're beautiful when you cry because you did something you didn't think you could. You're beautiful when you belly laugh. You're beautiful when you are a little unsure of yourself. YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.

My second point has been buried under the first.... it just doesn't really matter anymore. But the secret to losing weight, I'll give it to you for FREE. Step 1: Eat well and eat often (cut the processed convenient foods out and make sure you eat enough spaced throughout the day) and Step 2: Get up off your ass (build muscle, it burns more calories - move your body every single day). Step 3 is the silent step: love yourself every single day - forgive yourself, find things about yourself that are AWESOME and work off those. Don't make getting healthy into another chore. Remember; you deserve to be healthy and live a long life.

I like it

In keeping with my blog about pictures and loving myself. I am digging deep and looking for a part of me that I think looks good. Today, I like my legs. Spring is finally here and my skirts are looking like better options every day. My ankles don't seamlessly flow into my legs. My legs don't look like over stuffed sausaged anymore. I'm quiet fond of my legs. Bazinga!

In this theme I will *try* to put a positive spin on all my bumpy and jiggley and weird body parts. Because loving myself, as is, is the most important part of this journey.

"Love and respect yourself and never compromise for anything. And then you will be surprised how much growth starts happening of its own accord… as if rocks have been removed and the river has started flowing. " Osho(?)