Sausage in a Swimsuit

The only thing I hate more than swimsuit shopping is actually wearing a swimsuit. When you are completely self-conscious about your size or how you look, wearing swim wear can be an anxiety envoking event. No matter the suit, I almost always end up feeling like an overstuffed sausage. Feeling like this then results in two things; the entire time I'm at the pool I feel like every single person there is looking (and laughing) at me, and/or I just don't get in the water.
This second result, is sad. I'm practically a single mother to two amazing little boys. They LOVE swimming. THEY don't care if I'm a size 6 or 16 in a swimsuit. When they are in their thirties, they aren't going to be remember that I didn't like to go to the pool because I felt awkward in a swimsuit. No! They're going to remember that Mommy didn't take them swimming.
<insert a lightbulb here>
How many things have I NOT done, because I let my size or shape negative self image get in the way? How many beach days? Or picnics at the park? How many bike rides? How many times did I just not feel pretty enough or fun enough or small enough or... enough enough? ENOUGH!
Tonight after supper I'm taking the boys swimming. I'm going to stuff myself into my bathing suit. And yes, I'll be uncomfortable, but my boys won't know that. I'm going to splash with them and blow bubbles with them and it's going to be awesome. And when they're in their thirties and trying to figure out what kind of parent they want to be, I hope they'll remember all the times that Mummy did fun things like take them to the pool, or on bike rides, or on picnics at the park.

Return of #ReasonsImAwesome

If you know me, or stalk me on Facebook (which is perfectly acceptable), you probably know that lately I've been struggling. Between the ongoing broken sleep that comes along with the Jiggley Baby, and doing all of the child wrangling/household crapola on my own, I've also been pretty hard on myself. Ok, that's a lie. I've been downright mean to myself.

• You can't keep the house tidy
• Listen to that baby crying at you, you can't even make him happy
• Look at {Jiggley Boy}, he's bouncing off the walls and getting into trouble because YOU aren't paying enough attention to him
• No one really wants to hang out with you because you're such a downer
• You're not good enough
• You can't do it

Just a little snippet of the lovely self-talk that has been going through my head lately. If anyone talked to someone I cared about like that, it would INFURIATE me. If anyone talked to my kids like that I would throat punch them (ok, probably not - but I'd really want to). But why is it ok, acceptable even, to talk to myself like this? I could blame it on my mother never really having anything nice to say about herself. I could blame it on the media and how they have given me a completely skewed perspective on beauty and motherhood and on just being a woman in general. I could blame it on depression or anxiety or OCD. There are any number of things that I *could* blame it on. But placing the blame doesn't really change the fact that I am a bitch to myself. It doesn't really change the fact that MANY women are mean, and hard, and hateful to themselves.
I don't want my boys to grow up thinking that it's just normal to be overly critical of themselves; to hate themselves; to always feel like they don't measure up to a conceived version of themselves that doesn't exist. So it's time to change. It just takes one person, with one idea to start a revolution... now I'm not saying "Hey, friends, let's start a revolution!", but... Hey, friends, do you want to start something amazing? Awesome, even?


These guys are just a part of what makes me awesome <3
{Photo courtesy of Amber Bourret Photography - check her out!}

I'm bringing back #ReasonsImAwesome. 30 days of LOVING yourself. 30 days of finding something, no matter how big or small, that makes you the incredible, amazing, AWESOME person you are. 30 days of acknowledging that even with our flaws and mistakes and imperfections, we are pretty super. So check out the Facebook page and share your #ReasonsImAwesome. You can even use the #ReasonsImAwesome on Twitter if you want to spread the love. Let's start changing the way we think about ourselves. Let's change the way our kids WILL think about themselves in the future.

Big Bootie Girl

Before puberty I was always the smallest. I was short (ok, I still am) and pretty skinny. Then BAM! My boobs, my hips and my butt started to grow... I was super excited to get boobs. But they sorta stopped, but the bum and hips didn't. Since then I've always really disliked my lower body. It's taken YEARS of crash dieting and extremely poor body image for me to finally come to grips with things. THIS is my body. This is my body shape and it doesn't matter how much I work out or how little I eat or anything - THIS is the body I got. As round and unporportional as it is. I've just got to deal with it.
Now that isn't a complete "get out of jail free" card. Just because I'm aware that my body will never be super model skinny or have "hips like a boy" (which is something I've always really wanted), doesn't mean I should stop working towards healthy. I may be pear shaped... but I'm not healthy pear shaped right now. I'm still overweight. I'm lumpy. I'm jiggley. But under all that are some pretty great CURVES, that I've been ashamed of for so many years. Well I'm sorry curves!
This is my new goal; LOVE who I am, curves and weird hair and wonky eyes and stretch marks and ALL. I will break out of my fat, self imposed, prison and flaunt my beautiful curves again.

30 Days of "I'm FRICKEN AWESOME!"

Oct. 14: I have a wicked new tattoo that I can't wait to show off!
Oct. 15: I am a really good snuggler.
Oct. 16: I am sensitive. I wear my feelings on my sleeve so there isn't much guess work on how I'm feeling or what's troubling me.
Oct. 17: I am stronger than I ever thought possible; in body AND in mind.
Oct. 18: I am one of a kind! After years of trying to be like everyone else, of trying to fit in by becoming a clone - I am me! There NO ONE like me anywhere on this planet, and that is TOTALLY AWESOME!
Oct. 19: I sing made-up songs, or use my own lyrics to other people's songs, at least half a dozen times a day! (may not be pretty, but it is pretty FUN!)
Oct. 20: For the very first time, I wore skinny jeans and boots (OUT IN PUBLIC!!). Double awesome.
Oct. 21: I walk almost everywhere. I'm teaching Trent that it's better to walk, too - he made it all the way up to the mall! (proud mommy!)
Oct. 22: I love to 'funktify' (sure, that's a word!) Trent's meals from time to time just to see the look on his face.
Oct. 23: I am going to be in a pin-up calendar!
Oct. 24: One of my favorite things in the whole world is to curl up in bed with a book.
Oct. 25: I am a great friend.
Oct 26: My home might not be spotless and children might act a little wild, but my door is always open and tea is always ready
Oct 27: I dress up for kids Halloween Parties
Oct 28: I started and organized the SCN Drive, gathering donated new gifts for babies and their families spending Christmas in the Special Care Nursery at RD Hospital, for the last 3 years.
Oct 29: I surround myself with genuinely good people. I'm a lot stricter with who I allow in my, and my son's, life.
Oct 30: Even though I was paying for my fun night out (hung over for the first time in a very very veryyyyy long time) I still tackled my mountain of laundry (sorting, folding and putting away laundry is probably my least favorite chore on the planet).
Oct 31: Every day we play "What makes ___ awesome?" to teach my son to look for good in everything. {Today I'm awesome for making yummy oatmeal and S is awesome because she's so kind and likes to hug}
Nov 1: Even though the house is full of Halloween candy, I've only had one (edit, 2) pieces of chocolate!
Nov 2: I was told that I wasn't smart enough and that I would likely fail out of any post secondary school I went to, so I shouldn't bother. Someone actually suggested to me that I should just find a nice rich man to marry and take care of me for the rest of my life. So I graduated college with the second highest grades in my class and made presidents or deans honour roll every term. Take THAT!
Nov 3: Most days I'd rather read a book than watch tv
Nov 4: Every Friday I take my little man out on a date, even if we've just spend the entire week just the two of us. It changes things up and he feels super special picking where we eat (usually the mall food court lol).
Nov 5: I make tutus!
Nov 6: I may totally hate winters in Alberta (mainly because they last like 9 months), but my inner child always gets a little bit excited during the first snow.
Nov 7 9: I am easily amused, that also means I'm easily distracted (oops, missed a couple days!)
Nov 10: I taught conversational English in Taiwan for just over 7 months.
Nov 11: I have never missed (or not cried at) a Remembrance Day ceremony (except this year, because I was too sick to want to drag a squirmy monkey with me)
Nov 12:I have never been in a physical fight (except for sibling skirmishes, which don't count) and the one time I was really willing to throw down was because someone was disrespecting a good friend and causing her great pain.
Nov 13: I have days where I hate being home all day, alone, with a small child. There are days where I would give anything to have a partner come home at 5pm to tag me out and to share the responsibilities. But most of the time I love what I do. I love being the one to teach and mold my son. I love opening up the world for him, crack by crack, and watching him explore it.
Nov 14: I started this #ReasonsImAwesome as a way to start telling myself, on a more consistent basis, that I'm a pretty cool chick, but something unexpected happened along the way. People joined me. People started giving themselves reasons they are awesome. People started to feel better about themselves, even if it was just for a moment in the course of a day. And that is something that is truly AWESOME to me.

Super Powers

You might be surprised to learn this about me, but I have super powers. Yep! Besides being able to talk on the phone, scrub a toilet and corral a three year old all at the same time, I can also read minds. Crazy, I know. This ability came to me at about the age of 15, maybe a little younger. I was suddenly overly aware of how everyone "really saw me" and what they thought of me. I could "hear" all the times people laughed, on the inside, at me. I was privy to all their jokes and accusations and assumptions about me. Weird thing about my ability; I can only 'hear' what people think about me.

Ok, so I don't really hear what people think - and no, I'm not hearing voices. It's called Negative Self Talk and it's bff is Low Self Esteem. To quickly define those terms: Self Esteem is how you feel about yourself and your value (beliefs and emotions); Negative Self Talk is usually an inner dialogue that's a mixture of half-truths, poor logic and distortions of reality - it can happen when someone is stressed or going through a personal transition, but it can also become a daily dialogue as well.

So relating this to me: I can't remember a time when I didn't believe people thought the worst of me. I've always thought people were secretly, sometimes not so secretly, judging me - judging the way I look or act in certain situations, judging the food I eat, or choices in school and career. Now that I'm a mom I feel like I'm being judged by an even harder panel of non-forgiving eyes and assumptions. I constantly question myself, and only because I *think* people may think a certain thing about me. I often won't go to playgroups or night's out, because the other mommy's will think I'm too annoying or too poor, or too old/young. I have been fighting with the concept of running for 2 freaking years now, and why can't I just go and do it? Because I just *know* that people are looking at me and wondering "why the hell is that fat girl trying to run", "she looks like she's going to have a heart attack", "haha! Look, her butt and thighs flap independently of each other bahaha!". I don't usually ask for help, when I'm alone and struggling and truly need a hand, because no one really likes me enough, or enjoys my company enough to want to be there. I'm a burden, I'm annoying, I'm needy, I'm selfish.

The reality of it is I'm not really important enough for everyone to always be thinking about me. Hello, am I a bit narcissistic, or what?! If I just went out and ran, I probably wouldn't even be a blip on any one's radar. If I just went out with other mom's I probably wouldn't be off the wall nervous and make an ass of myself. If I could open my damn eyes when in a crisis, I'd see that there are some people I could probably count on - and there would probably be more if I gave them the opportunity.

Hindsight is 20/20. If you see me sitting in the corner arguing with myself - know that I'm having a little Gollum moment and battling that ugly and mean inner demon.