Honest Mommy

Ok before I get into things... I just need to be clear: I LOVE being a stay at home mom. I LOVE my boys, I LOVE my life, lovelovelove. Got it? Good.
... But sometimes I feel like this life, right here in this moment, is sucking all the air out of me. Maybe not my air, maybe my ME. Who I am, who I was. Some days, it's like my day starts off like a big, round, red balloon. It's so full you wonder how it doesn't pop. As the day wears on, people and things slowly suck the air out of my balloon. By mid-day, it's starting to look wrinkly and I wonder if it'll even make it until I can crawl under the covers. I try to sneak a minute or two to breath some air, some life, back into my balloon, but those minutes are always fleeting, always gone in the blink of an eye; another snotty nose, another diaper, another meal to prepare or floor to wash. At the end of a 25 hour day, my balloon is deflated and there is nothing left to it, but a stretched out hunk of rubber.
I never expected that being a SAHM would be so hard, so lonely, and so... I don't even know the right word to use. What's a word for the way motherhood changes you? What do you call it when you do the same variation of activities and sequences day after day? Is there a word that describes the drowning feeling that sometimes sneaks up on you, but can be quickly replaced by wonder and joy at the tiny creations you've mothered? What word would you use to describe the crazy love you feel for another being, a love that you didn't even know existed until they were placed in your arms, but at the same time the overwhelming annoyance at their loud chewing or the way they always need to touch you or when they just.won't.stop.talking.
How can anyone, other than another mom, understand this? Does this make me crazy? Am I a terrible mother? Well, to answer that one... heck no. I'm a rad mom. But I'm a real mom. And as a real mom, I can fully admit, some days my family sucks all the air out of my balloon.

5 Things You May Not Know About New Babies

1. Babies produce an alarming amount of ear wax. Yes it's normal, but it's still pretty gross (and weirdly satisfying) to pick out a raisin sized chunk of ear wax from your infants ear.
2. Babies are born with a special sensor, which I refer to as luke-warm-beveragosa. This heat seeking sensor alerts the baby every.single.time you are about to enjoy a warm beverage, thus waking him from a sound sleep, turning his giggles to cries, and/or expelling an explosive poop that travels all the way up his back to settle in his armpits.
3. There are certain baby cries that operate on a frequency meant to induce insanity to it's mother. They are cries that you can FEEL right in the marrow of your bones and make your eyeballs shake in your skull. You are completely powerless to these cries and will drop whatever you are doing to check on your little one.  
4. Baby fingernails are the next closest thing to Wolverine's claws. They are one of the sharpest and fastest growing substances on this planet. Those itty bitty, paper thin nails are deceiving - you can cut them every other day and still look like a wild cat attacked your chest and/or face.
5. Babies are wired to change things up, and often. As soon as you think your baby has started to "sleep through the night", he'll start waking up half a dozen times again. As soon as you think you've got some sort of routine or pattern to your day, he'll start wanting to nap longer or shorter which will shift everything by a couple hours and will result in a flustered mum and a baby who doesn't really know what it wants. As soon as you believe he's started to eat well, he'll go on a nursing strike, or hit a growth spurt and want to eat all.day.long again. As soon as you think to yourself "ok, so this is the way it's going to be..." he's going to change it up on you. THAT is the only thing predictable about babies.

What are some things that surprised you about your new baby? Was it the crazy amount that they sleep or don't sleep? Or just how much one little person can throw up in a day?

The Jiggley Mommy Begins (again)

I've dieted. I've taken 'vitamins'. I've worked out so hard I threw up. I've swam, I've walked, I've stretched. Yet, I'm still Jiggley. I refuse to call myself the F word (fat) or the even worse O word (obese) - because those are such ugly words. I jiggle. I don't jiggle where it would be nice to have a bit of extra bounce - most of me jiggles. I jiggle because last week I ate close to 3 dozen cookies - I ate those cookies because I was lonely and overworked and feeling blue. I jiggle because when I got pregnant with my son (in 2008) it was a free ticket to eat what I wanted when I wanted. I jiggle because I've never really learned my body's "full" cues, and because I eat in front of the tv most nights, and because I enjoy a snack at night. I jiggle because at some point I made a choice to either put something in my mouth or to not get off the couch/computer chair or BOTH.
So here I go again, on a journey to get myself eating better and moving more and feeling BETTER. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, blah blah blah and all that other garbage. The fact is, the first day of my life was way back in the 80's when it was the norm to sit in front of the tv for hours on end and stuff as much processed junk into your mouth as you can. At least, that's how I remember it. But I digress... Today is the first day, of many hard days, that I am making a promise to myself to be healthier. Today I'm promising my son and my husband that I'm going to try to be a better role model and partner in health.
So what is my plan of action? Long term, like years down the road? I have no idea. I hope that eventually eating well and being active will just become such a normal part of my life that it doesn't feel like work anymore. How long will that take?? Good question - and again, I have no clue. For now, I'm looking at short term goals. I will workout 3-4 times a week for 30 minutes (just got EA Active: More Workouts and so far it's great!), I will drink at least 2 litres of water a day, I will refrain from snacking past 8:30pm, and I will try to be conscious of what I put into my mouth. Now all that, spread out nicely in front of me, looks like it might be a tall order. I'm just going to take it one day at a time. If I screw up, then tomorrow is a new day to start again. Right now I am a 30 year old stay at home mom who can barely find clothes that fit without going into a specialty plus sized store. And I'm sick of it. Join me on my journey?