I have a hard time making friends. Or at least I thought I did. It all goes back, wayyy back, to the 5th or 6th grade. That is when, all of a sudden, we were sorted in cool and uncool. I was sorted into the uncool side, for whatever reason. I didn't have the most expensive clothes that were in style, I wasn't overly pretty or smart or talented. I didn't have an older sibling to show me the ropes and who to hang with or not hang with. I gave my friendship quite willingly, to anyone who would take it. Which left me open to a lot of rejection, a lot of the time. In high school, I sort of just wedged myself into whatever group I could for the moment. For a minute it was the smart kids, then the actors, then the jocks, but I wasn't exceptionally smart, I wasn't an overly great actor or improviser, I was anything but athletic. Most of the time it was the stoners, the smokers in the smoke pit, the kids in trouble for cutting class... because I was cutting class with them, I was smoking in the smoke pit. I always sort of melted into a group. Never a leader, not even really a minion. Just a shadow on the edge of a group; included, but just barely. Now, don't get me wrong, I would have a friend or two in these groups, but other than a select few, they were superficial friendships. By the time I had finally graduated high school I really had no idea who I was. I started dating and his friends became mine by default. We broke up. I started dating someone else and, again, his friends became mine - much in the same way as before. Always a shadow on the edge of the growing, being included but mostly just because I was there. Certainly not for any merit of my own. Then "The Breakup". Big. Messy. FULL of heartache and tears and... and it left me with nothing of my own. I didn't really have my own friends. I didn't have anyone I could call and cry to. I didn't have someone to come and eat icecream with me and pull me out of my week old pajamas and tell me to pull it together. It was time for a change. So I moved. I packed up and I left all that I knew and all that I loved and I decided it was time to start over and find who I was.
Then the amazing thing happened. Slowly as I was turning the pages of my life over, I was figuring out who I was. I discovered that there were things that I thought I had liked, FOR YEARS, that I actually detested. I discovered that I was funny and shy, that I could be loud and the life of the party. I discovered that there wasn't just one little box that I could fit myself into. And as I was discovering this new self that had been hidden for so long, I was able to finally let people SEE me. I wasn't as afraid to laugh a little too loud. I didn't need to stay in the shadows. And, weirdest of weird things happened... PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKED ME! I started making friends. MY friends. They would never belong to someone else. They would never just be my friends because of the group I was hanging out with that day or the boy I was dating. They liked me FOR ME.
Now when I'm having a crappy day, I know I've got people I can call or text or tweet or facebook. I know if I'm in a dark place, they'll come over with a bottle of wine or cookies or their kids. I know I can count on them, just as they can count on me.
To all of my friends - the friendships that have been around for so long I can barely remember not having them - the friendships that have grown slowly over the years - the online friendships - the friendships that are just starting to blossom - the friendships that are fading - the friendships that are sitting on my horizon, waiting to be discovered... I'm thankful for you! xo
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