Learing to Love Me

One of the biggest things I've been working on lately, is acceptance. Acceptance of who I am in this moment. It's a lot harder to do, than one might think. For years (read that as, for as long as I can remember), I've been striving to BE someone else. Someone who is thinner or prettier; someone funnier or smarter. The last time I can remember really being at peace with myself, was for like a minute after Trent was born. I was too busy watching my baby fight for his life, to worry about the roundness of my hips, the bulge of my post pardum belly, or what other people might think of me. I didn't care if I fit in anywhere, because I fit in perfectly with the new little miracle that was my son. With time, things returned to 'normal' and I started to wish away the unwanted pounds and inches, I started to worry about what people thought when they saw me, what kind of mother they thought I was, what kind of woman. Again, I turned into a work in progress. I wasn't happy with WHO I was, but it's ok, because I'd lose the weight or get stronger or find new friends and THEN I'd be the person I wanted to be. And THAT person would be happy with who she was.
The sad thing is... you don't get happy like that. If you've always had a hate/hate relationship with yourself, it doesn't matter how much weight you lose, how strong you get, how many friends you are surrounded by... you will still likely hate yourself, you will still likely find more that needs changing before you can be the person you will love.
Let me illustrate this for you: Let's say I was dating someone, and I was twinkly eyed in-love with them. So you and I are chatting over tea (cause that's when I do my most awesome chatting) and I tell you that I told him I love him. *gasp* Did he say it back?? You'll most likely ask. Wellllll.... no. He told me that he *would* love me, if only I were a bit smaller, a bit lighter, but he gave me the name of a great personal trainer friend of his! He told me he *probably* would start to fall in love with me if I wore skinny jeans more often AND if I dyed my hair - but a professional dye job, he thinks the home jobs look cheap. He also told me that he'd really *think* about falling in love with me, if I started hanging out more with the Deer Park/Timberstone/Vanier Woods mums, because.. well everyone knows that if you live on the SE part of town you have money and are wayyy better off. You would probably want to slap the stupid right off my face, if I told you that, huh?
So why do we treat ourselves like we're the slimy douche bag boyfriend?? Why do we say that we'd love ourselves if only... IF ONLY...
We need to love ourselves NOW. I'm finding my love. I LOVE that my body has grown and nourished two small humans. I LOVE that my children find the most comfort in my arms. I LOVE that I'm the little mommy, and most kids find me approachable (because I'm closer to eye level). I LOVE that I have little feet so I can shop in the women's or kids section. I LOVE the lines around my eyes - they show that I've laughed a lot in this life. I LOVE my back because it's my canvas. I LOVE my heart because it's open. I love the little muscles on the back of my upper arms, because they remind me that I'm strong.
Do I still want to lose weight? Of course. But I don't want to fit into a perception of myself anymore. I don't want to wait around to become someone that I *think* will be better. I'm better TODAY. I'd like to strive for a healthier life, a healthier me... not a different me.
So this week my goal is to work on LOOKING like ME. I need to find a style, a look, that says TINA. For so long I've been in transition - oh, I won't go buy new clothes until I'm a size __, I'll just pick up another pair of cheap black yoga pants and make due. My entire wardrobe is all stretched out, faded black yoga pants, maternity clothes and crap from like 6 years ago. Nothing fits properly. Everything is 'make due until' clothes. So every time I get dressed I am reminded that I'm not where I wanted to be. NO MORE. It's time to buy some clothes that I'm comfortable in, that actually fit and that I can leave the house and not look like a complete slob. Wish me luck, everyone - because I have no idea how to dress my body AND I've hidden in cheap ugly clothes for so long, I'm not even sure what's "cool".

Do you have any suggestions on where to shop or how to dress my short pear frame?? Any 'looks' out there, that you think scream "JIGGLEY MOMMY"?? Comment with your suggestions or input - I'd love to hear from you!