Realization: The Baby Bumps

For a couple months now I've been trying to figure out just where my motivation went. I was doing really well finally, eating better, losing weight, getting stronger, going to the gym more... then something. I blamed the craptastic weather we had this summer (Seasonal Affective Disorder, with all the rain and gloom), I blamed the car accident which didn't lay me up too long physically but mentally kicked the crap out of me, I blamed my hubby working more and being lonesome, I blamed travelling, I blamed having kids to watch... really what haven't I blamed?
And then it hit me.
We have been trying for another baby for 6 months now. With my son, I went off the pill and was pregnant almost right away. The second time around is proving to not be as easy. The first two months we just stopped trying to NOT get pregnant. The third and fourth months I tried to calculate ovulation and planned to do the deed around that time. The fifth month we planned to do it every other day for a solid two weeks. And last month we started actual ovulation testing. Sex isn't fun anymore. I feel like my body isn't doing what it should be doing. And as more and more time spreads between Trent and my future child I feel like I'm failing my little family.
But everything is starting to make sense. I started my "fall off the bandwagon" in around the end of July. That would have been my first negative pregnancy test. I just  assumed that I was going to get pregnant sooner rather than later, so I stopped pushing myself for the results I was previously seeing. I sort of gave up one goal to reach for another... the problem is the goal of having a baby isn't one that I really have much control over. The worrying, the planning, the everything about actually TRYING to make a baby has plagued me and turned my mind inside out. I am constantly thinking about ovulation and counting the days and charting. I am also seeing a bazillion baby bumps lately and wishing that my fluffy belly had more to do with a miracle growing inside me and not that extra slice of cheesecake.
Will I continue to stress out and plan myself pregnant? Unfortunately, the answer is probably. But I do have some control over how much I let it take over every other aspect of my life. I want to be healthier, I want to be stronger, I want to treat my body right - pregnant or not. Time to start making decisions based on my body and the family I have here, now - not what could be.