Who The Hell Is That?!

Sometimes I catch myself rubbing my stomach or running a hand down my side to my hip. It's really one of the weirdest things. It's like that body part just couldn't belong to me. Or maybe it's like someone else tracing the curves of my body. Other times I walk past the only full length mirror and it takes me by surprise. That can't be me in the mirror. Those hips, those thighs, that belly; not me, those arms, that back, those calves; I don't remember those, that can't be me.
How did I wake up in this body that certainly isn't mine?! When I picture myself in my head, I see curvy, I see short, I see 'cute'. Then I open my eyes and what I see is a blown up version, an exaggerated version of what's in my head. I must have gone to bed this sweet little thing and while in the deepest of deep sleeps someone soldered this heavy, lumpy fat suit on me.
Wouldn't it be lovely if the explanation were that simple? The truth is nearly as simple, just not as easily digestible. Life happened. I sat around. I didn't eat well. I had a baby. I made excuses. I fell off the wagon. I half-assed things. I sat around some more. I binged. I mentally beat myself up for small (mostly perceived) 'failings'.
I need acceptance. I need to accept that as much as I dislike this body I'm in, it's mine. When my hand runs down my side and over my curves, I need to remind myself that those are my curves and they will always be there, but with some work and dedication they might not be as exaggerated. When I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I need to look for the things that make me ME, my eyes don't change, my heart, my passions - but my body is always changing, always evolving and one day it will be where I want it to be.
In my previous life (pre-AB) I might have been little, but I was weak. I have grown into the woman and the mother I always dreamed of being. I have made HUGE mental strides in a lot of aspects of my life and I'm pretty proud of myself. Maybe I should compare myself to a caterpillar; I was always at risk of predators, always slow and weak. At some point I started building this cocoon around me and as I grew stronger and safer, the cocoon wrapped around me until I could barely recognize myself. One day I will break out of it and I will be a butterfly. I will be strong in body and mind, and I will soar!