Thursday, September 8, 2011

Admiting Failings, but Not Defeat

I have fallen off the wagon. I fell so hard that I bumped my face off every single little bump and crack in the road. The last few months have been especially hard on me for no apparent reason. I had fallen into a funk (others will call it depression) and everything was falling apart. After the car accident I lost all motivation for EVERYTHING. I stopped really living and just did the bare minimal to get through my days. When I was around other people I faked it. I let the house fall around me and didn't care. I was ok with my kid watching tv or doing whatever he wanted as long as he wasn't up my butt (and this I feel most guilty about). I didn't reach out to people. I pushed Shawn away. I shut down and checked out. If I couldn't find it in me to get dressed every day, I certainly couldn't find it in me to get to the gym or even work out at home.
I have undone ALL almost all of the hard work I've done over the last year in just over two months. TWO MONTHS?! Most of my unravelling happened during our two week, two city vacay. As my mind was renewing and getting stronger, as I was feeding the vestiges of my broken self, I ate and drank and made merry. I allowed myself some real ME time. I got my first ever mani/pedi. I had my very FIRST kid-free night (only after 3 years!). I went to a party and got drunk! I blissfully ate a REAL donair with sauce dripping down my chin and didn't even think about the calories or fat or carb contents. All of that was so needed to rebuild my spirit and put a twinkle back in my eye. But following that came the awful bloating, tighter clothes and fear of looking in the mirror. I've now weighed myself and it's all confirmed that I'm quite a bit bigger than I was the last time I weighed myself. Back into the obese category, even. It makes me sick. It makes me equally want to go to the gym STAT and crawl into bed with a pint of peanut butter and chocolate chunk ice cream. It whispers in my ear to give up, while still shouting go go go.
So I need to kick everything up a gear and GO GO GO. I need a plan. I need a date with Jo to talk about what I should be eating (again) and how to cope and strategize. I need a workout buddy I need to stop being such a baby and just go to the gym whether I have someone to go with or not. I need to feel strong again. I need to feel like I can accomplish this, that I'm capable of losing weight in a healthy way.

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