Super Powers

You might be surprised to learn this about me, but I have super powers. Yep! Besides being able to talk on the phone, scrub a toilet and corral a three year old all at the same time, I can also read minds. Crazy, I know. This ability came to me at about the age of 15, maybe a little younger. I was suddenly overly aware of how everyone "really saw me" and what they thought of me. I could "hear" all the times people laughed, on the inside, at me. I was privy to all their jokes and accusations and assumptions about me. Weird thing about my ability; I can only 'hear' what people think about me.

Ok, so I don't really hear what people think - and no, I'm not hearing voices. It's called Negative Self Talk and it's bff is Low Self Esteem. To quickly define those terms: Self Esteem is how you feel about yourself and your value (beliefs and emotions); Negative Self Talk is usually an inner dialogue that's a mixture of half-truths, poor logic and distortions of reality - it can happen when someone is stressed or going through a personal transition, but it can also become a daily dialogue as well.

So relating this to me: I can't remember a time when I didn't believe people thought the worst of me. I've always thought people were secretly, sometimes not so secretly, judging me - judging the way I look or act in certain situations, judging the food I eat, or choices in school and career. Now that I'm a mom I feel like I'm being judged by an even harder panel of non-forgiving eyes and assumptions. I constantly question myself, and only because I *think* people may think a certain thing about me. I often won't go to playgroups or night's out, because the other mommy's will think I'm too annoying or too poor, or too old/young. I have been fighting with the concept of running for 2 freaking years now, and why can't I just go and do it? Because I just *know* that people are looking at me and wondering "why the hell is that fat girl trying to run", "she looks like she's going to have a heart attack", "haha! Look, her butt and thighs flap independently of each other bahaha!". I don't usually ask for help, when I'm alone and struggling and truly need a hand, because no one really likes me enough, or enjoys my company enough to want to be there. I'm a burden, I'm annoying, I'm needy, I'm selfish.

The reality of it is I'm not really important enough for everyone to always be thinking about me. Hello, am I a bit narcissistic, or what?! If I just went out and ran, I probably wouldn't even be a blip on any one's radar. If I just went out with other mom's I probably wouldn't be off the wall nervous and make an ass of myself. If I could open my damn eyes when in a crisis, I'd see that there are some people I could probably count on - and there would probably be more if I gave them the opportunity.

Hindsight is 20/20. If you see me sitting in the corner arguing with myself - know that I'm having a little Gollum moment and battling that ugly and mean inner demon.