HAF

I have had a crappy week. I've let things simmer and stew in my head to the point that I am beating myself up and causing stupid little fights (in my head and with Shawn). I'm irritated, disappointed, sad, angry, and a little lonely (and I have no idea why on that one). So what better place to release my pent up frustration than here in my completely open, public blog?!
My 31st birthday was last week. I have never done well with birthdays; I've always sort of loathed them, even as a kid. Last year was supposed to be a big one - 30th birthday on the 30th; my champagne birthday. No one was able to commit to doing anything, people forgot or went away for the long weekend and I ended up celebrating my special day going out to East Side Mario's with Shawn and Trent (now don't get me wrong, I love their company - but not really the totally special evening I would have liked). This yeah I had plans. I had people rvsp to go out for supper and then drinks afterwards - it was going to be just a fun excuse to go out (without kids!). About a week before the shin-dig I was informed that we really didn't have the money to hire a sitter and for me to go out for dinner/drinks. So I was sad, but it is what it is and I cancelled. My birthday rolls around and Mandy takes me out to lunch and Tara gets me a yummy edible arrangement and The Aunties take us out to supper (I have some super sweet friends)... and Shawn mumbles "Happy Birthday" between his excited chatter about trying to go camping the next day. So now it's been over a week - I truly hope this doesn't sound like I'm a crazy selfish bitch - and I have not received a card, a flower, a gift, not even a handmade scribble card from Trent. Am I not good enough? Am I not worthy of celebrating the day of my birth? Am I being selfish, since friends took some initiative this year - it wasn't like EVERYONE neglected me?
I am a SAHM. I spend all of my time with Trent. I rarely go out without him because Shawn works away or late and I can't always justify the cost of a sitter + whatever it is that I would go out to do. So when Shawn is around, I would think that it's fair that I can go out once in awhile sans kiddo. Shawn has a Monday Night Ride (Put together by Wipe Out Sports) and sometimes there is a more advanced ride on Wednesdays. I told him Monday that maybe he could just pick one of the two rides, so that IF I could get to the gym one night on my own I could. He had a fricken tantrum about the whole thing and acted as if I told him he had to sell his bike and that was IT! It's fair for me to want an hour with my child, right? I deserve to have a break too, right?
This last week has been littered with little things that are just getting under my skin. I know they are pissing me off because of the big things that I'm not talking about, but they are still annoying at best. In the last week Shawn has done a total of 3 dishes (oh, but he's turned on the dishwasher twice, so that's gotta count for something). He's sat on his ass with his iPad while I made lunch, did laundry and navigated toddler meltdowns simultaneously. He's complained about me not folding his MOUNTAIN of laundry (that I have done for him, and were neatly arranged at one point waiting for a spare 3 minutes to fold and put away, and are which now laying in a wrinkled mess on the floor by his side of the bed). He's bellowed at our bored child who is being rotten JUST to get his attention. He's asked me four hundred and eighty seven times what I'm making him for breakfast or lunch or dinner or for a snack. He's brought bad junk food in the house that I have a difficult time rejecting when my stress level rises. He slammed a door because when it was his morning to get up with Trent, I spent 30 minutes listening to T on the monitor farting around his room, I assumed Shawn wasn't getting up and so I go up.
GAWD MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN A HAF (huge ass face) THIS WEEK!!! *big deep cleansing breath* Ok, now that I've got all this sh-poop off my chest (and I'm sorry dear readers) it's time to deal. Can't hold it in and be hurt and then sabotage myself any more. Tomorrow I will sit down and talk to my HAF about the stuff that's been bothering me. I will cry and I will talk with feeling words which will make him incredibly uncomfortable. And hopefully he will not only listen (without getting majorly defensive) but he will really hear me. And tomorrow I will eat better; I will eat enough and well. And tomorrow, no matter what happens I PROMISE I will look in the mirror and tell myself

I AM WORTH IT!