Smoker

I am a smoker.

 I had my first puff when I was about 12 years old. By 14 I was smoking at least 2 cigarettes every day. By 16 I was regularly going through about 1/2 a pack a day. By the time I was 20, I was usually smoking a pack a day. Smoking wasn't just a physical addiction for me. I enjoyed it. Nothing went as well with coffee as that first cigarette of the day. Nothing settled a big meal better than a leisurely smoke. A smoke in one hand and a drink in the other, you can't go wrong.

I quit smoking 5 years ago, but I will forever be a smoker.

I'm often a little jealous of the people that can have a couple cigarettes whenever they drink and leave it at that. I have said, a thousand times, that I could probably not be one of those people. Well I proved myself right this past weekend. We were traveling home to visit with my family (many of whom smoke). Sunday night, after a rough day with the baby and a few glasses of wine, I decided I wanted to have a couple puffs of a cigarette. That first puff was gross. But the second was glorious. The head rush brought me back to being 13 and smoking out my bedroom window. The next time they all went outside for a smoke, I tagged along again. A couple more puffs. Trouble. The next night my anxiety started to grow as I packed our bags and started thinking about the horror of travelling the airport with my screamy baby and sick 4 year old (all.by.myself!). So I, again, joined the smokers outside. Again, it was delicious. Disgustingly delicious.
And once again, I was a smoker. I could have very easily gone out that night and bought a pack. I could have picked the habit up without looking back. Part of me kind of wanted to (the part of me that is jealous of those potential 5 kid-free minutes every few hours). When we got home I had to check myself multiple times from wanting to ask hubby (who has started smoking again too) to join him or to grab one from him. Even just writing this now makes my mouth water just a little...
I may not smoke (anymore), but I am, and will forever be, a smoker.